Impressions

International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

2011-10-15T14:25:00.000-07:00

Today is a day set aside to remember the millions of women who have suffered a profound loss. To grieve the little lives that were lost. Today, I weep again. Today, I remember. Today, I breathe prayers for mercy and comfort.

You can read more here.

Variation on the Word Sleep
by Margaret Atwood

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary

In which she is unreasonable and also a little bit opinionated.

2011-09-15T10:02:00.000-07:00

I stood in front of my closet for a long time the other night, trying to find clothes I could wear to work the next day. I tried on every single thing in my closet, and then I tried everything on again just to be sure. Nothing fit. Not a single thing. The frustration grew and then the anger came. I began to lash out at my clothes, "What is WRONG with you?" I was muttering under my breath, "What kind of clothing comes in a size 0 anyway?" "Who wears this kind of crap?" It was late and obviously I was not reasonable. There may or may not have been some swearing. Nothing in me wanted to try the maternity clothes, but I did because I was desperate. Nope, too big. Then I got mad at the bedroom walls, "Who paints a room the color of baby poop?!" I yelled at my poor husband, the tears starting to come again.

"Do you want me to get the paint?" he says quietly, at 11:30 pm. Good man.

The real question is, What does one wear when they are going through a miscarriage? When your body has already shifted to prepare to house a human being? When I've eaten protein every 90 minutes for the last 6 weeks to try to keep the nausea at bay? There are so many things that you don't think of, so many reminders of what is not to be. Did you know that a body goes through everything that it does post labour? That it's probably not recommended to go to work and stand on your feet for 6 hours two days in a row?

I'm exhausted.

But I'm ok. I really am. This is me grieving. But I still have so much joy in a day, I'm still able to see this. Pain and sorrow stand beside beauty and joy easily in our world. That's just how it is. People ask me what I mean when I say "God did not do this." What I mean is that God is IN this. He does not DO this. He has created a big wide, full, beautiful world and put everything in place for it to succeed. When people ask, "Why doesn't God stop the evils and pain of this world?" it just reminds me of my two year old wondering why his world doesn't just revolve around him all the time. We aren't capable of seeing the whole picture, so as individuals we continue to function in our world, eating foods that are bad for us, using plastics that harm us, pretending that this doesn't affect our health. Perpetuating corporate pollution, destroying our environment, encouraging child labour, turning a blind eye to famine, going to war with one another. Seriously, what the hell are we doing?! WE are the evil and pain in this world. Bad things happen. It's just the way it is. We're all in this together.

Dude. That's depressing.

And yet we are continuously and generously offered redemption, and the chance to fix things. Again and again. This is a big world and we constantly look for instant gratification, an instant fix. I'm pretty sure that's not possible. We need to accept the responsibility that we've been given. We need to stop blaming our Creator and start looking around to see what we can do, one step at a time.

Wow, that was a rant, and I'm not even sure it made any sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've come a long way in how I view the pain that comes into my world. We all have pain, sorrow. As one big global community, this is what we share. But we also have so much beauty and joy available to us.

I wore my jeans to work. I figured I was excused from dress pants this week.

Grieving

2011-09-08T20:23:00.000-07:00

I'm grieving.

We lost our expected little one.

I packed up the maternity clothes today, having barely brought them out. No March baby, no kicks starting in a few weeks. We don't have to move the boys into the same room, I won't plan a nursery. The whole thing was such a surprise, I had barely begun to register that this was actually happening. But the sorrow... it's strong enough to let me know, every minute, that this wasn't a dream.

It's a little surprising how this grief journey feels more comfortable this time. I'm not so shocked that it could happen to me. How arrogant I was! I shake my head at some of my old posts - I definitely don't ask the why question anymore, except perhaps, "Why NOT me?" We do not live in a world that is perfect, we do not live in the world that was intended. I can't blame God, because God did not do this. (I actually have a lot more thoughts about that... but I'm too tired right now.) This is at the core of my faith, and I finally understand. Now I know how to immerse myself into grief without guilt. Without blame. Now I can weep without despair.

It may sound too soon to have these conclusions, but trust me when I say that there are still a lot of tears. I still avoid the phone calls because I don't want to talk about it. The hurt is raw and life feels really difficult. I am so thankful for all the support and love we are shown every day, the food, the offers of babysitting. The friends I can call to tell me to stop moping about and get out of the house, the friends I can call to just cry. I love you all.

Life can change in an instant. I've been directed down the path of grief for a time and I know who is walking beside me. It really makes all the difference.

The Pink Line

2011-09-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

It's a little bit terrifying. Exhilarating. Exhausting. Thrilling. So many emotions wrapped up in a little stick that really has no place sitting on a bathroom counter, because, honestly... ew. (Why do people keep them? I will never understand.)

Another little person to add to the chaos. Another March baby, if all goes well.

I'll survive, right? It'll be fun... right??!!

Here we go again!

Before and After

2011-07-12T15:12:00.001-07:00

Today the boys and I were on the trampoline and we were playing, "puppy," a game that involves far too much licking for my liking. At one point we all ended up in a heap of arms and legs, one small boy head tucked under my chin and another bigger boy head on my shoulder. And we just stayed like that in a rare moment of stillness, the smell of warm blond heads making me drowsy with content. And I declared to myself that I must start blogging again, I must start writing these things down again. So I am sitting and ignoring the things that need doing right now and I will try to show you a small glimpse of what we've been busy with. It will probably be "Part 1" as there has been plenty that we've been doing.

We moved. *Shudder.* Boxes.

Surprise! The new house has lovely blooming bushes in the front, even though the inside had 300 layers of dirt to remove.

This is what the living room of our new house looked like when we walked through. (Don't be deceived. It may look semi clean but it's not.)

This is the living room after we moved in and started to prep the walls for paint.

Ta da! After paint and some new furniture. It's definitely a work in progress and the stacks of DIY blogs in my feed and decorating magazines on my shelves is a testament to my slight obsessiveness.

And a glimpse of the dining room.

I will definitely do a bigger reveal once I get a little further along in the process, but I'm having loads of fun and loving my thrift shopping. I haven't been brave enough to attempt to refinish furniture yet or sew things. But I want to. So I will work up my courage and let you know how that goes.

Meanwhile... I have very busy boys to keep up with.

And a video to show you exactly what I have to deal with every day. Excuse my yelping and clucking. And the mess - we were redoing the guest bedroom.

*No babies were harmed in the making of the video*

The place where I come from

2011-02-17T15:37:00.000-08:00

Colin came home on Valentine's day and I was up to my eyeballs in dinner prep, photocopying for lesson prep and packing boxes. He took a look at the mess and said, "Oh! Should I run to the store and grab some flowers for you?"

Um. No. "There's a poopy diaper to change!" I said.

Happy Valentine's Day to us.

The walls are bare in the house now, the boxes are slowly stacking up in every corner and this is making me sentimental. Something about the walls that you bring babies home to makes everything seem so sweet. It's cliche, but wow, do these walls hold memories. We've even seen INSIDE most of these walls because of the extensive renovating we had to do... drywall, tape, mud, primer, paint. Wedding pictures hung, then baby pictures. Toy dents. Corners where my babies run to when we're playing chase. Floor squeaks and furnace clicks. The pedestal sink we chose, the one I settled on after I called my husband from the showroom and asked him if $700 on a sink was too much. He laughed long and hard and told me to keep looking.

We've really built something here. Something that goes far beyond flowers on Valentine's Day or a bit of paint. I'm grateful that we had our time here. It's gifted us with a place to call home, a place to learn, to grow up a bit more. A place for my little's to feel safe. And now a chance to move to a different house, one we'll make home.

Mama milk

2011-01-17T15:22:00.000-08:00

At nearly 18 months, Owen started to take a soother. Crazy kid. All those months of me trying to give him a soother so that I could have a break. Then one day I was cleaning out the toy basket, we found one at the bottom of it and he has not wanted to let go. Now he sleeps until 9 o'clock in the morning with that silly thing if I let him.

We weaned from breast feeding this week, and in some ways it's monumental and in other ways it's not even worth mentioning. We had basically only been nursing once before bed, the rest of the day I had adapted a "don't offer/don't refuse" stance. He was too busy to nurse during the day so it wasn't a stretch or a fight at all. Then I got the flu and didn't have any milk for a couple of days... a couple of nights ago I tried for one last time, just because. Just because breast feeding was very special for us, because we worked so hard at it in the beginning and just because I remember how lovely all of those cuddle times were. And there was nothing at all for him, that last time. He kept looking up at me pretending to be a dinosaur with that great big toothy grin and his itty bitty baby "Grrwl!" that he makes when he's pretending to be a dinosaur. So I laughed and we said, "Bye bye mama milk!" (that's what he called it.) And then when I was singing his lullabye and tucking him in with a kiss, I couldn't quite keep a few tears from trickling.

Bye bye mama milk.

2010 Reflection

2011-01-02T14:46:00.000-08:00

This morning I shared in church a reflection of 2010. Feel free to read if you're interested. It's kind of long.

The other day I was logged into facebook checking the status updates of the day. I noticed that one of my fellow piano teacher friends had written something that caught my eye. “I have to believe that the dissonance in my life will eventually resolve.” This triggered an interesting train of thought. One of the first lessons in the music theory class I teach is about sound waves and the concepts of consonance and dissonance. Before your eyes all start rolling into the back of your head, I'll give you a (very) mini lesson. Sound waves that are soaring through the air in a parallel (remember the word parallel from mathematics?) motion are consonant. They are working together to create tones that are pleasant, harmonious, and satisfying. We call this a resolved sound. When we change the pitches to become dissonant, this means that we are changing the sound waves to bounce into one another. This creates a dissatisfying sound, an uncomfortable sound. A sound that is begging to come to a resolution. This is the foundation of all music – the dissonant sounds seeking the resolution. When I try to connect the theoretical concepts of music to my life, I wonder – do all sounds have to resolve? Is this something that is required?

When I think back over the circumstances of dissonance over the past year, I remember that not long ago I was hardly getting any sleep and how incredibly challenging this was for me! Our second born son did not think that sleep was very necessary, and on the especially bad nights I remember watching the sun come up and I would just weep because I was so exhausted. It's hard to handle life while sleep deprived and I fought this time of my life fervently. I desperately read every single book I could find about babies and sleep patterns. We tried every 'baby sleep method' out there in order to try to reach a point where 45 minutes of sleep at a time wasn't the norm. Eventually I came to the realization that... well... this will end. This was only for a time, and the more I fought and stewed and was frustrated, the worse I felt. Here's an excerpt that I wrote on my blog back in February:

" I am pouring everything I can possibly pour into my children, and still there needs to be more. I make mistakes every day. I claw my way out of sleep deprived despair as often as I can. (Can you tell this sleep thing is really difficult for me?) I am easily frustrated and grumpy and sometimes unreasonable. I greedily long for naptime and a good cup of coffee. However. (And thank goodness there's a however!) I am learning to be more gracious towards myself, my husband and towards my children. I am learning that the strength I ask for is given in unexpected, not magical, ways. I am learning that the body can adapt and physically cope and survive on an inhumane amount of sleep. I am learning that to fight against circumstances just makes a person more tired, but adapting and learning is freeing."

When I stopped fighting, when I stopped allowing myself to feel angry and frustrated and started make a conscious choice to just enjoy this time of life I was in... well, I wasn't any less exhausted. But I was a whole lot happier. Choosing to embrace this difficulty in my life opened a new realm of satisfaction and of resolution. Especially now that we are finally getting more sleep! Yes, this sleepless time has ended, and that dissonance has evolved into sweet, sweet gratitude and relief.

The most recent time of dissonance in my life came about a month and a half ago. We received a buying offer on our house that we have been trying to sell since August. We celebrated this happy turn in our lives with great joy, as our family has outgrown the 980 sq foot bungalow that we have worked so hard on to make a home. As the dates for the final signatures to be placed drew near, we found a new house that was beyond our greatest hopes and with amazement and tremendous excitement, were actually able to buy this house, subject to our house selling, of course. Some of you know this story and know that on the very last day, our buyer walked away. Our disappointment, our frustration and our sadness was actually tangible. We knew it was a gift, it was never ours to hold onto, we knew we had plenty to be thankful for. But this knowledge suddenly became tangible too. My online searches for furniture and design ideas turned into searches for blogs of relief workers in Haiti. My perspective completely shifted as I looked at the brand new teeny homes built for TEN families to live in together. My view of God's faithfulness was deeply humbled when I saw the photos of joy and relief and PRAISE on faces that have lived through hell that I have never even dreamed of. It seems that the dissonance in their lives comes in sound waves of intense magnitude. I wonder if the resolution of gratitude, of relief, and of satisfaction does too?

My mother and I are very close and without her constant support in my life, I don't know where I would be. She absolutely adores my kids and has built an amazing relationship with them. After having my baby, she was there with her cleaning rags and her meals. She would run with them to the park, pushing Owen in the stroller and making up racing games with Lucas as they went along. I would finally get a much needed nap and they would return happy and breathless. My mother is the kind of woman who will constantly sacrifice to serve other people, who continuously pours out her life to help in any way she can. This past August my mother started to experience some strange symptoms of weakness in her body and I watched with fear and horror the transformation from a vibrant, active woman to a pained and weak one. In two weeks she had a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, a degenerative condition with no cure. Living with this disease is incredibly difficult, but my mother refuses to complain and continues to live her life as normally as possible, clinging to her fervent belief in the sovereignty of God. I have spent many a night lying awake in the wee hours with tears trickling and prayers rising, wishing that we didn't have to face this dissonance. Wondering about the sovereignty of God. Wondering how this is going to turn out. I watch the home videos of my amazing mother chasing my kids around and I am overwhelmed with sadness. In my grief I wonder, is this dissonance going to resolve? Is it okay if it doesn't? Will I learn to find the beauty in it?

If I turn back to music theory (because I know that everyone finds that incredibly fascinating!) I know that music wouldn't be very interesting without dissonance. If everything was satisfying and parallel there would be no motivation or reason to move forward, to play the next chord, to find the next source of resolution. The beauty and glory in music comes from the dissonance. When I was in college I belonged to a choir that often toured throughout Canada, singing our way through churches and having a lot of fun along the way. One of the games we played while driving for hours in a van (just wait, music people are so cool) was called 'Tone Clusters,' where every time we drove through a tunnel or over a bridge we each picked a different note to sing and held that note the entire time. I wish I had a recording of the horrific dissonance that the van held, because interestingly enough, nearly every time those notes wove and wound and changed until we found a resolved and stable chord to sing. It's human nature to seek out the resolution, it was built into us. But the really good musical dissonance - the kind of music that really makes people sit up and take notice – that's the kind that won't take the path of resolution that's expected.

One of the children's books that I read to Lucas is called, “Kai the Opihi Gets the Point.” It's the hawaiian story of an 'opihi, a small shell, that is not like the other shells. The top of his shell is not pointy, but flat. All his friends have advice and words to say about why his shell has not become pointy – I guess it's a small shell's form of never reaching puberty – but nothing that he tries gives any results. Finally his wise old grandmother – I suppose even little shells have grandmother's – asks him what he does when the huge waves of the ocean come crashing toward him. “Well,” says the little opihi. “Of course I run away!”

“The waves are so big and I am so small,
If the waves crashed on me, I'd be nothing at all.”

The wise grandmother lovingly advises him to cling to the rock instead, and Kai the Opihi agrees to give it a try. As the story goes, “He hung on all day/and he hung on all night, And the waves couldn't budge him/despite their might.” In the end, Kai the Opihi gets his point, and the point of this little story, I guess, is a solemn truth that all of us know deep inside ourselves. If we don't face adversity in our lives - if we don't embrace the dissonant - our resolution will not be what it is intended to be. If we keep clinging to our Rock, we can keep hanging on for as long as we keep making the choice to hang on.

I have to say that the past year was a great year. The moments in between the more difficult ones were the kind of moments that breath life into a soul. Every time I get an enthusiastic hug from my boys my life is enriched. When I read something really inspiring, when the people that cross my path are encouraging or when my moments of meditation are revealing, I know again that I am blessed beyond measure. I am grateful for the lessons that I am learning. I can see the consonance and dissonance weaving to create something really beautiful. And I pray that I can choose to keep clinging despite what may come my way.

As you think back over the past year, may you recognize and embrace your times of dissonance. May you continue to cling to our LORD, our rock, who has promised to never leave us.

Hezekiah trusted in the Lord, the God of Israel; so that after him there was none like him among all the kings of Judah, nor among those who were before him. For he clung to the LORD; he did not depart from following Him, but kept His commandments, which the LORD had commanded Moses.
2 Kings 18:5-6

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder

2010-12-10T15:07:00.000-08:00

*Ahem.*

I'm... back? I think?

Because of the risk of being extremely redundant I will not offer any excuse for my absence. I will recap with this:

We carved pumpkins.

I broke my nose, and this is one of the only images I will offer of that awesome time:

We made lots of pumpkin spice lattes.

We visited the fire station.

A family shot with another lovely black and blue image.

Our daredevil baby:

The leaves offered some lovely afternoon photos. They also kept Lucas busy what with all the raking and jumping he did.

Being a toddler can be a little painful. I think we're growing out of this stage, though I will say that Owen's nickname is "Moose" and let you deduct the reasons why.

That is a small summary of our autumn, and I just KNOW that all (two) of you were waiting on pins and needles for this post. Um... or something.

The other thing that was kind of a big deal for us this fall was the *almost* selling our house thing. And *almost* being able to buy another (amazing) house before our seller walked in the final hour. And then realizing (again) that sometimes things don't turn out as planned, that this may not turn out better than expected, and sometimes - just because that's what happens in our world - we get dealt a crappy card.

We allow ourselves to feel disappointment. Perhaps shed a tear or say an angry word or submit a 'grocery list' type of prayer to the great beyond. And then we take a big breath, count our many, many blessings and we continue on. We relearn what kinds of prayers to pray - the ones that count. The prayers of peace, of thanksgiving, of contentment. We learn valuable lessons in the midst of our disappointment, the lessons of generosity, of graciousness.

And that's all I'm going to say for now.

Old Mr. Autumn

2010-10-01T14:57:00.000-07:00

Oh, my poor little blog, it is so neglected these days. I can't believe I didn't post at all in September. But we had a great month - we are basking in our life these days, soaking in every bit of warmth that we can.

The season of Autumn is often romanticized by many who love the anticipation of the holidays, the coziness, the spicy, steaming drinks and the bright costumes of the trick or treaters. I take comfort in the autumn rituals but always feel a slight sense of mourning at the same time. Something about the crunch of the leaves and the creaking swings on the empty playground brings a sense of wistfulness deep in my soul. I miss the bare footed days of summer, I always do. The season of autumn brings to the forefront exactly how fast this life is passing, the sight of the children heading into their classrooms makes me feel further and further away from that time when I would excitedly enter a new classroom. I've been realizing how I am living right now in the very best time of my life, this time when my children are small. The little world that we have created for them is everything they need and it makes me so very happy.

At the same time, I know that their world is becoming larger, and the time will quickly come when our little world in our little house will not be everything they need. It's what inevitably needs to happen and it's good that they have that chance. So I will give a nostalgic salute to Mr. Autumn as he passes through. Then I will turn and soak in every bit of this life that I possibly can.

So that was summer...

2010-08-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

... and the green grass grew all around, all arounnnnnnd, the green grass grew all around!!!!

Except, you know, ours is kind of brown right now. But that excerpt of song (which I hope you all know and now have spinning in your heads, muah, ha ha ha, *sinister laugh*) is courtesy of the summer day camp Lucas attended this month. We also went for a few days last week to Canim Lake with the youth group from our church and had a flippin' amazing blast! Owen actually slept all night for the first time ever. There were boat rides, ATV rides, hikes, there was lake wading, sand playing, much eating and even some singing. Our summer days have held plenty of outdoorsy activities, playgrounds, bubbles, sandboxes, lakes, beaches, fruit picking, running, jumping, skipping. Goodness, we've been busy, but GOOD busy. The kind of busy that has everyone dirty down to the tips of their toes and lulled into a beautiful satisfied exhaustion by the end of the day.

Lucas, during a small miraculous moment, learned to ride a bike last week. Owen learned to say "puppy" and calls everything that looks remotely like an animal "puppy" with glee and chortles. Lucas puts on his sandals and calls out, "See ya later" as he bursts out the back door to go play by himself in the backyard. Owen takes steps between us and between furniture and he is so darn proud of himself when he does it. Lucas makes up stories and songs a mile long, about his day, about his dreams, about pirates, about swing sets, about playing guitar.

The rhythm of our days beat in a blur. Preschool looms around the corner, three days this year. The new lunch kit is purchased and the leaves are changing color. Hot chocolate, school clothing sales and halloween costumes are in our sights now, the cool air lingering enough to whisper in anticipation of the changing season.

I think I'm ready.

A letter, with love

2010-07-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

To our Owen,

You came blazing into our world one year ago and have since woven yourself deeply into the depths of our family.

In one short year, we can already tell what your personality is shaping to be, and DUDE. You are cool. Persistent, determined, fiery. Funny.

Loving. Curious, mischievous, intelligent. We are so proud to be your parents, to watch you grow, to be challenged and stretched by your demands.

When you wrap your little chubby arms around my neck for a hug, everything is right in the world again. And when you point and exclaim with a gasp, "ITE!" for light, or "BA" for balloon, I can't stop the smile. You love, love, love stuffed animals and your blankie and love to smush your face into these things for a cuddle. You smush your face and stick your bum up into the air to sleep and sometimes I sneak into your room to watch you because it's just too cute.

You are still scootching on your bum to get around, and (now that you are wearing shorts in the heat) you have wounds up and down your right leg to show it. Ouch. You only use your right leg and right hand to scootch. It's really the funniest sight and everywhere we go people get a good chuckle to see you. It won't be long until you're walking though, because you pull up to stand and cruise everywhere, even trying to reach between furniture and starting to stand on your own.

You love to bother your brother now, and have learned how to throw yourself onto the floor with a dramatic wail if he ever takes things from you.

You love to get into anything that you're not supposed to - and you KNOW - because when you see me coming you scootch as fast as that arm and leg can go. Stinker. You love to pull the heat register's out of the floor and throw as many toys down there before I can get to you. Stinker!

I'm really glad that you're mostly sleeping through the night, finally. You sure still really REALLY like to nurse, and trying to cut out a feeding is proving to be difficult. You still get milk before I go to bed and again at around 5 or 6 in the morning. I can now rely on the fact that you will go back to sleep after that, so I can live with it. And really, I still enjoy those times with you in the quietness of the night, with you mostly asleep and the melody of your gulp - breathe - suck. We can do this for a while longer, love.

A lot happens in one year. I'm so happy and thankful for you, for us, for our journey together. You are loved, sweet Owen, more than my words here could ever say.

Happy First Birthday.

Independence day

2010-07-06T14:37:00.000-07:00

I can feel it slipping away with each passing day as we continue this wild dance of baby raising. I feel it in the evenings that I can leave the baby with a bottle and his daddy, wave bye bye and have a drink with friends. The pull is still there, though, to come home, to snuggle into the pillows and have one more nurse before the night hours are (finally) filled with sleep. I can feel it when I'm snuggled into that nursing cuddle and he strokes my arm and feels my face in his sleep, never content to be still. I wonder how many more times this will happen. And as I carry him to his crib, his head snuggled onto my shoulder I hold him just a minute longer before I lay him down and watch him sleep.

I can feel it slipping away when the boy bravely steps into the pool with his teacher, even though he doesn't quite want to. And when the teacher spends a good long while trying to convince the boy that it's okay to blow bubbles in the water, and he argues with her, and I see that stubborn set to his face. Then, without even one glance at me, he surrenders and cautiously blows a few bubbles and everyone cheers and he beams and claps and only then will he look for me, to show me his pride, to share his excitement. In that glance, I see it slipping away.

Dependence is only for a short time, and this dance toward independence is breath taking, heart wrenching, exasperating. If I could stop and grab hold for a moment I would, but the dance is ethereal and if I fall out of step I would be left behind.

Owen Joshua

2010-06-18T16:06:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, we're dedicating Owen. To me, it's important to have a community to surround ourselves with while raising our children. To me, dedication is asking for support, for help, for encouragement. It is admitting our vulnerability and our fragility. So we stand in front of our chosen church family and ask for these things. We commit our sweet Owen to something bigger than ourselves.

He's almost 11 months, our Owen. 11 months of seriously little sleep, but we're not talking about that right now :) 11 months of living with our strong, bold, sweet, fire cracker Owen. He scootches everywhere on his little bum now, he's very fast and kinda destructive. He leaves a wake of upturned stools, laundry baskets, emptied drawers and toys everywhere he goes. Still only 19 lbs and 29" he's on the smaller side of the growth curve. He has words already! "Nigh nigh" for "night night," "Ah da" for "all done," "Mama" "Dada" and "Ma" for "Milk." He waves and points and has the cutest expression for "light," with which he is obsessed. Every time anyone picks him up he immediately points up to the nearest light and exclaims over the wonderful! miraculous! "ite!" He cannot keep still for anything and when I'm trying to rock and sing to him before he sleeps he now squirms and twists as if to say, "Okay already, put me down. Nigh! NIGH!" If anyone tries to hold him, they immediately discover that he is impossible to hold because he wants to be facing whichever way he is not at the time. He will sit briefly to read a story with me if it involves animals and me growling or barking or meowing at him, complete with tickles.

Our Owen. He sure is something special.

I wonder what comes next...

2010-05-16T16:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a good weekend. We worked outside a lot, Owen ate grass, Lucas dug in the dirt and threw earthworms around. Both kids let us sleep until 9 am both mornings - when was the last time THAT happened? Of course I have piles of laundry and house cleaning to do, since working outside equals NOT working inside. You just can't do everything with kids. Even working outside was a stretch since Owen mostly whined the whole time. The kid really really wants someone to be entertaining him all the time. Too bad I don't have time to do that. But mostly it's been good, and our yard is starting to look almost decent.

Something about working outside always inspires me a bit. It somehow encourages me to look at a bigger picture, gives me time to think, or not, depending on the task. Lately I've been feeling a bit uninspired... perhaps numb is the word? The sleep deprivation, the constant demand of the littles, the frustration of never ever having enough time or motivation to complete the things that need to be completed. I felt a jolt of inspiration during church this morning - the necessity of getting my hands dirty, so to speak, to actually DO something with my faith would be somewhat refreshing. It's been too long that my 'spirituality' has remained just that - MY spirituality. Sure, it's a personal journey and goodness knows I know enough about my chosen faith. I've been immersed in it for forever. But I'm tired of just reading about it, of discussing it. I'm kinda bored right now, bored with the 'a-moral' discussion, bored with the post modern discussion, bored with the discussing of things that remain unseen.

Too bad I feel I don't have time to do anything anymore. Because I'm really ready for something a little bit different. And I wonder how those people who seem to do everything have the energy to do it?

Swaddled no more

2010-05-12T21:04:00.001-07:00

We finally put the crib down to the lowest level tonight. I know, I know, the baby is 9 1/2 months already, but up until now has not been able to move in his sleep. He has been a happy swaddled baby for 9 1/2 MONTHS. We finally weaned him this past week from the confines of his miracle blanket. Well, actually, I say weaned him as if we did something, but really, he was just ready. One night I had to get up to flip him over onto his back about 6 times because he had rolled over in his sleep, but couldn't get himself back while swaddled. The next day I tried him with one arm out of his swaddle for his morning nap, and with no crying or fuss at all he just fell asleep. The naps were a bit short that day, and he was up a few times in the night, but really, it wasn't difficult at all.

It's strange that a baby just does things when ready. We had tried to wean him previously - I would try an arm out for a nap - and he would cry and cry until I'd swaddle him and he'd promptly fall asleep. I was really beginning to wonder if he would ever grow out of this! Silly me. You'd think I'd have learned by now. When kids are ready they will do it.

We have reached an entirely different sleep stage now - I LOVE having a baby that can cuddle up to me in the night when I pick him up to nurse. He strokes my arm so sweetly in his half asleep milk stupor. When I put him down for naps and bed I zip him into his little sleep sack and he bounces around in my arms and giggles at my songs and latches onto my chin, my arm, my cheek for good night kisses. Then I put him in his crib and he smooshes his head into his blankie and goes to sleep. My sweet Owen.

The stages will inevitably pass, and in each one there will be moments where I think that it will never be over. Then we'll begin something new and it will seem as if it was all a dream.

Battles

2010-05-07T16:00:00.000-07:00

I wonder why an attempt to go to the park often tires me out before we even get out the door. I mean, the diapers, the snacks, the potty, the shoes, no THOSE shoes, the sweaters, the ridiculous amount of work it takes to just get to the point of opening the door to leave. And then the days like today, when the four year old is tired from a late night, the battle lines begin to form before I even speak to him in the morning.

You guys, I used to be a part of THAT child rearing camp. You know. "You don't have to have battle lines as long as long as you're explaining things. Using positive encouragement. You don't need to view life as adult vs. child. You can WORK TOGETHER." That was before I had two children and the eldest child didn't quite get the memo that he wasn't the only person in the universe. And now I know that even if I don't follow the philosophy of battle lines MY CHILD DOES. He will draw the lines for me before I even say one stinkin' word to him and it will sound like this. "Good mornin' love! Did you sleep well??"

"NO! I DIDN'T SLEEP! It was only naptime!"

And then it will continue with even the briefest attempts at human conversation ending in some kind of argument. It's never a good idea to argue with a four year old. Never. Because it will end up with the four year old repeating himself over and over ad nauseam "My sticky hands DO belong on the couch! But I want my sticky hands on the couch! They DO belong on the couch!"

Today I tried to be as patient as I could possibly be, because yes, we did keep him up too late last night (to go to his first ever very cool awesome fun hockey game with JUST mommy and daddy) but the little man deteriorated from wanting to argue with everything I said to just being downright rude. "Please go pick a shirt from your drawer." "No, YOU go pick a shirt from my drawer. It's YOUR job." And well, needless to say that kind of thing doesn't go over so well with me.

You see? The battle lines are drawn no matter what anybody says and despite what all the books in the world will suggest you will still have to win.

And when you look back on how ridiculous the battle was later and see the puddle of tears and saliva on the floor from the epic horrifying battle of the shoes, "NO IT'S NOT MY JOB TO PUT ON MY OWN SHOES IT'S YOUR JOB. RIGHT NOW MOM!!!" you shake your head in despair. But then the kid eventually ends up putting on his own shoes while saying sorry for being rude and asking for an extra big hug.

None of this is easy. There are a thousand different ways that I could have handled this day, and maybe the way it ended up was exactly how it was supposed to be. Some people reading this will still tsk tsk and probably note the thousand different ways I should have responded, because I guess that's all part of parenting.

And every time there's some type of battle I try to think of how I could have responded differently, and what I should do the next time it all disintegrates. (Maybe just stay in bed?)

Then 20 minutes after the epic horrifying battle of the shoes and I think things are calmer, the boy says, "NO Owen, don't look at me with your eyes!" And out loud I'm all "Owen's eyes belong to him and he can choose where he looks" but inside I'm secretly wondering if it would really be so awful to tie him by his toe nails to the ceiling fan.

Narcissism is inevitable in a four year old. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Big deep breaths. Open the door. Go to the park.

I love them

2010-04-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

Part of the wonder of raising my boys comes when observing them as little people, learning, growing, changing right before my eyes. The memories that are woven into every laugh and every hug make me breathless with anticipation of what's to come, and at the same time take my breath away from the speed that everything is moving. Lucas doesn't want me to carry him from his bed to the couch for cuddles in the morning anymore. Instead, he'll hold my hand and tug me to the book shelf to choose a story or two before we begin our day.

Owen signs "all done" now, so very proud of himself for understanding and communicating. His whole face lights up with his smiles, most often when he's banging something or if he's managed to get ahold of one of Lucas' toys.

Every day there are such beautiful moments. This photo captures such a beautiful moment for me - my boy, my hand resting on his knee, his words, with his laugh. My dark circles and rumpled hair, the beginnings of wrinkles on my face.

And another beautiful moment - my baby boy, giving me kisses.

I love them.

Easter photo shoot

2010-04-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

Well, Easter happened. It was fun and exciting and busy, thus the baby's schedule went completely out the window, thus we are not sleeping anymore. Sigh.

But look at these boys. I could just melt into a big blob right now looking at these faces.

I can hardly stand it. They are just too cute.

Finally.

2010-03-27T21:00:00.001-07:00

This week, for the first time in a very long time, I haven't felt like I was drowning. It seems that things have started to get a little bit easier. Last week I got two nights of 6 hours IN A ROW of sleep. It's been a loooooong time since that's happened. After that I've only been getting up once or twice a night and that makes a huge difference in my ability to function. It's nice to have a routine again, to count on day time naps and a regular bedtime. So hopefully now we can return to regular scheduled programming on this here blog, because I've missed this space. Fingers crossed that we won't fall down another rabbit hole and end up in the baby gremlin night time horror show again. (Too dramatic?)

Owen is SO STINKIN' CUTE I can hardly believe it. Look at this baby boy.

Let me tell you again how strange it is to have a full term kid after a preemie. It's like being a first time parent, but with none of the advantages of being a first time parent. It's like being a second time parent, with some of the advantages of being a second time parent. All of a sudden I noticed him passing toys back and forth between his hands yesterday. Like, without therapy or games or songs or anything. He just DID IT. I hardly even noticed what he was doing because I was wiping snot or making food or cleaning the bathroom or something like that. The baby books say he'll be making THIS sound at THIS age (Mamamama, gagagaga, nananana, dadadad, oh LOOK how clever he is), blowing raspberries at THIS time (Oh LOOK he's DOING IT), picking up cheerios between this week at that week (OH! This week, he just... got it.) No therapy! No people telling me what to do! No lists of things that he ISN'T doing! He is beautiful and awesome, and I just can't get enough. He's the biggest stinker in the world, though. Seriously.

And our Lucas. LOOK HOW AMAZING HE IS!

He turned four (four?!) two weeks ago, and I missed out on the annual birthday letter that I usually post. We threw a birthday bash at Captain Kids play center, and it was crazy, chaotic, fun and fabulous.

When March 4th rolled around, the most awful water breaking day ever, I didn't even THINK about it this year. We were busy packing for a trip to visit family in Manitoba, and I remembered to call my niece to say Happy Birthday, but I didn't once think, "Oh, four years today my life was falling apart." But when I think of it now, my stomach still kinda goes into my throat and the surreal memories still have the same taste. The difference is now my beautiful child climbs into my lap with his bony bum and elbows and knees and begs for more stories. He laughs hysterically, makes US laugh hysterically, drives us to the brink of crazy and back with his four year old antics, says "I love you" spontaneously, plays hockey and soccer, loves cake and ice cream and movies, goes to preschool, tells me what the wind does, what photosynthesis is, explains what 'respect' means ("MOM! Thank you for showing respect to me!!") and comes up with cute, funny, amazing and awesome things every day. He's the biggest stinker in the world though. I have two of the biggest stinkers in the world. Funny how that works.

Speaking of Manitoba, I really have to post some of these pictures, because it was a super time of visiting, eating, Lucas getting to know cousins and playing in the snow.

First time on an airplane (that he remembers)

Look at these sweet cousins: Isabelle, Lucas, and Olivia
Cousin Emma thought pushing Owen in the (gasp! illegal!) walker was super

He LOVED playing in the snow.

So. Finally an update. Hopefully more to come SOON!

A snapshot of the day...

2010-02-10T20:44:00.000-08:00

And you give yourself away...

2010-02-01T10:50:00.000-08:00

The thing with sleep deprivation is that it makes me whiny. It makes it hard to look beyond the actual minute that I'm surviving at the time. Anything requiring energy makes me exhausted. I say things I don't mean, I mean things I don't say. I'm grumpy far too often and it's really difficult to have clarity of thought. I was teaching the other day (one of my college level students) and I actually said, "FUNNILY enough..." (Huh. Is that a word? My spell check isn't picking it up.) I laughed and completely lost my train of thought and had to start over. I'm sure my student thinks I'm crazy. Or maybe is wondering why he paid money for a sleep deprived crazy lady to say things like "FUNNILY."

I keep reminding myself that this IS NOT FOREVER. I know it's not going to be like this for very much longer in the grand scheme of things. It's reallyreallyreally hard right now, but, in time, I'll be sleeping at least 4 or 5 or 6 hours a night again (oh heaven). And then there will be other challenges.

Last week, I went to a long time friend (and massage therapist) and had a hour long massage. (SQUEEE!) She's a lovely woman who knows exactly when to talk and when to listen, what to say and how to say it. And somehow after that hour I had a different attitude, a shift in thinking. I was driving home and realized that this is what I've been given. I need to handle it graciously. Learn from it. Be broken by it. Build from it.

When I was a new mommy to Lucas, I have to admit that a lot of my actions were driven by guilt. Of course by the incredible love too, but I never ever allowed myself to have feelings of frustration towards baby Lucas. I felt guilty about letting him down, and I think the sacrifices I made for him were, in a small way, trying to compensate for what my body could not do. It was not a typical experience. It was an extremely difficult experience, but I almost needed it to be difficult to make up for my (supposed) failure. It was an experience that I have been healing from ever since.

Now I get to fight through these other feelings - the typical "I carried you for 9 months, pushed you out, nursed you around the clock, have bathed you, clothed you, diapered you, loved on you, sung to you, protected you, provided everything for you" feelings. And yet I still have to do more and more and more. And not only that, but I WANT and NEED to do more. I am pouring everything I can possibly pour into my children, and still there needs to be more. I make mistakes every day. I claw my way out of sleep deprived despair as often as I can. (Can you tell this sleep thing is really difficult for me?) I am easily frustrated and grumpy and sometimes unreasonable. I greedily long for naptime and a good cup of coffee. However. (And thank goodness there's a however!) I am learning to be more gracious towards myself, my husband and towards my children. I am learning that the strength I ask for is given in unexpected, not magical, ways. I am learning that the body can adapt and physically cope and survive on an inhumane amount of sleep. I am learning that to fight against circumstances just makes a person more tired, but adapting and learning is freeing.

To put a neat and tidy summary on it: The sleep deprivation will end. These lessons will not. I cherish my children even more because of these lessons. They are making me a better person.

And goodness they're adorable, aren't they??

Brain Mush

2010-01-12T21:13:00.000-08:00

Because 3-5 hours of broken sleep a night will only get me so far. So, in no particular order, some facts of my life.

1. Christmas was delightful. Lucas was so amazingly cute and aware of everything that I could hardly contain myself with every one of his adorable expressions and exclamations. "Hey! Another present??" "Look. LOOK!!" He sang at his preschool presentation and at church, and of course we took lots of video and photos.

2. I've started to teach at CBC for a few hours a week again. I love it. I'm good at it. It's very nice to have a little break every week. And it makes me very very very tired.

3. Lucas is a pain. A big, huge, preschool size pain. I can't believe what a little pain he is. He bounces off walls now. And talks back. And gets into everything and scribbles on his sheets and hits his brother and climbs and screams and wrecks things and has monster size fits. But good golly, I love that kid. Can't get over how amazing he is, everyday. I sure look forward to bedtime though.

4. I never want to forget the way Lucas plays right now. He plays hard, loves his toys, his books, his games, his puzzles. I love that we can interact, we play games and he is so excited to spend time with us. We move the furniture back and play rousing games of soccer (with a soft ball), roll around and tickle, and he LOVES his wrestle time with daddy. I don't want to forget the way he still likes a good snuggle. If he's sleepy enough, he'll bury his face into me and I can lay my cheek against his damp, sweaty hair and smell my little baby turned big boy, just for a moment. Then he's off and running again.

5. Owen doesn't sleep at night. He doesn't believe in it. He goes to sleep like a dream all by himself for naps and at bedtime. He loves his swaddle, his sound machine and his blankie. He happily kicks his feet rhythmically on the mattress until he's asleep, and his naps are 1 1/2 to 2 hours long in the day. He's a perfectly happy and content kid, but something happens between the hours of 11 pm and 7 am, resulting in NO SLEEP for me. We have tried EVERYTHING. And by that I mean... well... EVERYTHING. I have read so many books about sleep that I know every single author's method and what they believe in and don't believe in regarding sleep and an infant. And guess what? Nobody is right. Everybody is right. And Owen is still not sleeping.

(The child will never smile if a camera is in front of him.)

6. I never want to forget the way that Owen grabs my face with both hands to pull me in for a kiss. And by kiss I mean slobber, suck, drool. He's so happy and smiley when he does it. I never want to forget the way he reaches up and plays with my face while he nurses, the way he giggles hysterically at his brother, the way he grins from ear to ear when I bounce him or sing, "The Wheels on the Bus," complete with actions. I never want to forget the way he grabs his toes and talks, "Dadadadadada." I love the little half smile he gets after I've swaddled him and I start to sing, "Jesus Loves Me," just in time for sleep. I don't want to forget the way his little body curls around mine when we snuggle, or the way his head pops up to see his brother whizzing by. I never want to forget the way his smooth, warm cheek feels against mine, or the way his head fits into my neck right before I put him into his crib.

7. Yawn. I guess that's all for now...

If you would like to view the rest of my December photos you can click here.

Merry Christmas...

2009-12-30T23:35:00.000-08:00

I'm such a tease, I know. I really will try to get a real post up soon. In the meantime... here's a photo for the loyal readers who actually still read my blog :) Anyone have a clever caption?

Adorable

2009-12-10T15:52:00.000-08:00

Huge Sigh of Relief

2009-11-27T21:24:00.000-08:00

aka. Miracles do happen.

aka. The baby sleeps, he sleeps, he really does SLEEP!!

Monday morning dawned, rainy and grey, my eyes bleary and my body exhausted already. We went through the normal motions of morning - breakfast, diapers, feeding, potty, dressing... and then it was naptime for the babe. The time we had all come to dread, because, hey! Let's have a little bit more screaming just for the fun of it! After the swaddle, the songs, the dimmed room, Owen got to that point where he realized what was happening and OHNOYOUDON'TMAKEMESLEEP started to arch and scream. And I just decided that I didn't want to fight this anymore. So I put him in his bed and I said, "I'm not going to fight you today. It's time to sleep now." I said that over and over as he screamed at me (I was calm through the whole ordeal). I picked him up and I patted his back and he relaxed into me for a few seconds. Then he arched again and I put him right back down, repeating my mantra, picking him up, putting him down. We did this for 25 minutes and finally to my shock and disbelief he relaxed in his own bed and fell asleep. Then he went on to sleep for 2 HOURS! When he woke up he was hungry but happy and ate extremely well. He was awake and happy for 2 hours while I cleaned and played with the boys. Naptime rolled around again and this time it only took 15 minutes of picking up/putting down. He slept for another 2 hours, and the rest, as they say, is history. I have a different baby now, a much happier baby, a sleeping baby. The last 3 nights he's gone to sleep on his own in his bed, cooing and talking away. One night he even slept through the whole night - I heard him wake up at 2 am and talk himself back to sleep. I'm hopeful that this will continue eventually as we work out our schedule a little better. It's hard with preschool and other commitments that fall right during naptime. Today was an off day because we were out and about, Owen got overstimulated and overtired... and then took an hour and a half to settle for his nap this afternoon. But we have a plan now, I know what works and he's learning slowly and surely how to sleep.

The pick up/put down method is described in detail by Tracy Hogg in "The Baby Whisperer." I've been loosely following her ideas since Owen was born - I think it's good common sense to have a baby on a routine, especially the "Eat, Awake, Sleep" routine. I have a number of complaints about her book - I find her writing to be a bit obnoxious, condescending and not always realistic. She doesn't talk about the difficulties of scheduling with older children. She doesn't allow any room at all for co-sleeping or nursing to sleep. She doesn't really allow room for demand feeding, insists that newborn feeds should never take less than 30 minutes (um... you cannot force a baby to eat. It's just not possible if a baby is done, done, DONE after 10 minutes.) I can see how some moms would have trouble with milk supply if they insisted on a 3 hour routine at the beginning, through growth spurts and everything. Sometimes a baby just needs to cluster feed. Ack, I could continue, but this is already turning into a little bit of a tangent, it's late, and I'm too tired to write a book review right now.

All I know is that The Baby Whisperer's schedule is now working for us (finally, after four months). And our household is much happier.

Aaaand now four months...

2009-11-20T16:48:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been so long since my last post. Truthfully, I've been fairly miserable for the last month. I got really sick (I'm pretty sure with THE flu), couldn't ever get enough rest to recover, and even now am dealing with occasional congestion. It's pretty awful to have a fever and still have to get up a few times a night, all drippy and shivery and achy...

Then Owen turned a weird corner and started to get fairly miserable. I already have written that he's a fiery baby, but he turned into "impossible to get to sleep" baby and has demanded all of my time. I keep feeling like I have to find a solution to this turn of events, and have been feeling guilty that I am somehow responsible for making my baby so miserable. We've spent a fair chunk of change trying to find workable solutions - sleep aids (like the baby wedges), sound machine, teething tablets, swaddling blankets, teething rings, soothers... I have read "The Baby Whisperer," "The Happiest Baby on the Block" and am in the middle of the Ferber book. I think that there's a lot of good ideas out there, and I agree with the Baby Whisperer's ideas (Lucas was such an easy Baby Whisperer baby), but Owen is IMPOSSIBLE to schedule. He honestly does not like to sleep. He cannot relax on his own, or even with help. He fights sleep like I'm torturing him, has a completely strange feeding schedule, fights feeding most of the day and feeds like he's starving at night (which he probably is, because he's refused to eat all day). It takes him at least 3 hours to settle at night for sleeping because he's overtired, he won't take a soother (we've tried 15 different soothers!), wants DESPERATELY to suck to sleep, but hates to nurse to sleep now.

I know that things could be so much worse, but I feel that I rarely get a break. (And let me take a minute here to say that I'm very grateful for the help I do get.) Most days I am just trying to survive to the end of the day, when Colin comes home and gives me some help. I feel badly for Lucas because he has to occupy himself most of the day, and I really miss spending time with him. My house is severely neglected and suppers are thrown together at the last minute. I haven't shaved my legs in months. (I know, gross, hey?)

It's such a strange mix of emotions - Owen is SO adorable and getting into a lovely stage of laughing, talking and cooing at us. He's trying to sit on his own, and can with some support. He brings his hands together, grabs toys to chew on them, grabs our hands to pull himself up to stand on our lap. He blows raspberries continuously and has big strings of drool hanging everywhere all the time. If we're talking to him, he's perfectly happy! If I'm trying to get something done around the house, though, he's not happy. I'm hoping that as he grows a little bit more, as that first tooth finally pops through, and as he's more easily entertained that things will get easier. I'm hoping that Lucas won't be permanently scarred by all of this. I'm hoping that I can recover from my illness even without good sleep. I pray for patience, endurance and strength every day.

He's loving his exersaucer... we tried it for the first time this week

4 months old

Lucas loves his brother and tries to make him laugh all the time

Look at those red rimmed, sleepy eyes...

3 months of memories

2009-10-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

It's so incredible that Owen is 3 months old already. It's hard not to compare the first 3 months of Lucas' life with the first 3 months of Owen's. These past three months have been so challenging, but we have our baby at home. We have memories with him at home. I have actually been capable of feeling these last three months, instead of the numb existence I had with Lucas in the hospital.

I hope no one thinks that I compare because I love one more than the other. It's hard not to compare because this experience is just so so different than our first. I've been a first time preemie mom, and now a first time full term baby mom - and frankly, sometimes I'm just not very good at it. But sometimes I'm great.

And there's no denying that I love both of these kids to the moon and back.

Our little Owen - whose name means "young warrior" - is a feisty soul, one who knows what he wants and is not hesitant to tell us all about it. When he's done eating, he doesn't just pull back and coo blissfully... he pulls back and screams indignantly until I sit him up. Then he grins at me with a "there, there, mum" look on his face, pleased that I figured it out. He will not take a soother (and believe me I've tried and tried!), or a bottle. His stubborn refusal to take such has made for a few unpleasant moments for his daddy, who has bravely and valiantly attempted to let me out of the house for my sanity's sake. He desperately loves to suck and gnaws on his fists the whole time he is awake and not eating. But still... no soother.

He's been reaching for objects for a month now, and propels himself forward during tummy time. His attempts to roll over have been unsuccessful so far, but I don't think for long. He loves to stand on our laps, and is often stiff as a board. I can see the need to just GOGOGO in his eyes.

I know that he's gonna keep me very, very busy.

Brothers

2009-10-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

Owen's first Thanksgiving

Lucas' first Thanksgiving

Relief

2009-10-09T16:48:00.000-07:00

I think the worst part of this experience was walking into the recovery room to find my groggy child with a terrified look on his face, whimpering in a 'whereamIwheresmymomwhoareyou' desperation. The best part was that I could (unlike our NICU experience) actually crawl into bed with him and take him in my arms. He clung to me (and I to him) while he fell in and out of consciousness, me smelling the remnants of gas on his breath and murmuring in consolation, him jolting awake to clutch my arm again. The whole thing was surreal, but they soon wheeled us back to the pediatric day care ward where he could eat popsicles and watch 'Veggie Tales' to his heart's content.

He was hopping and jumping again within 36 hours. Seriously. We have to keep reigning him in, but how do you explain to a 3 year old that he must be careful to not tear a hernia repair? Once in a while he'll look at me with a confused look on his face and hobble around a bit. I'll give him some more drugs and he'll watch a movie or two before he's back to tearing around the house and climbing up the walls and on the furniture.

Resilient little things, aren't they?

Our Lucas

2009-10-05T23:00:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow early in the morning (we have to be there at 6:45!) Lucas is having a surgery to repair a small hernia. I'm trying not to be anxious, but truthfully I've been having nightmares for a week. We'll be glad to have this done. Prayers are appreciated...

September Party Day

2009-09-30T08:57:00.001-07:00

Lucas' preschool has a party day at the end of each month. The parents come and listen to the songs that the kiddos have been learning during the month and we also sing Happy Birthday to all the kids that have birthdays during the month. Goodness were those 3 year olds cute. So fun!

Walking in from the back room

Raising their hands (Seriously... raising their hands!!)

Making sure to stand with their toes on the line (Lucas was very serious about this!)

A little video of one of the songs...

These days...

2009-09-26T22:06:00.000-07:00

A lot of the time this is really, really hard. "Sit in the bathroom and cry" hard. Can I admit that? That sometimes the baby won't stop crying and the three year old is tantruming and the soup is boiling over and burning? That sometimes the baby explodes out of his diaper at the same time that the three year old needs his bum wiped and the laundry is piling up and the dishes need to be done and supper? ...Is it really 5 o' clock? Why can't I get myself organized? Can I really do this? Oh, wait. I have to.

Yesterday Lucas was stung by a wasp as we were trying to leave the house. Owen was already screaming because he hates his car seat and usually screams as soon as he's in it. I hate not being able to be all things to both my boys all at once. And I'm so so tired.

At the same time I know that this is going to be over very soon. I KNOW that all of a sudden these days will be gone and I'll remember that it was hard.

But I will also remember the magic of sweaty boy hugs and the feel of a newborn's head in the crook of my neck. I will remember the first coos and smiles, the kisses and the first preschool songs.

My 11 and a half pound 2 month old will never be this size again.

My 3 year old will never have a first day of preschool again.

I love them so much that it sometimes hurts.

In which things change again...

2009-09-08T19:47:00.000-07:00

It seems that nearly every blog that I've been reading lately speaks about the start of school and how a little baby has grown up and now is such a big boy and, well, *Sob*. I can say the exact same thing, because my baby is going to school in only two sleeps. *Sob, sob!*

Can I just say one more time that I watched my baby struggle to breathe, to eat, to live... I prayed and I cried and we went to therapy and he started to walk and to talk, and we worked really hard. He's a fantastic little boy, and he's my baby. And in two sleeps I'll walk him into a classroom with his own little snack and his indoor slippers and he'll sit with all the other babies-now-growing-up and then I'll leave. I don't think I'll ever forget how I felt when I sat beside his isolette watching him turn blue, wondering if he would ever get to live on this earth.

Now he says things like, "Hey everyone, Daddy farted!" in a crowded parking lot. Now he hops and jumps and climbs and spins. He goes potty and gets undressed on his own and takes showers.

Now he squeezes me tight and says, "I love you, Mommy."

I love you too, my baby boy, my big boy. For ever and ever, I love you too.

First Smiles

2009-09-02T23:10:00.001-07:00

Brothers

2009-08-26T12:13:00.000-07:00

5 weeks tomorrow. Wow. Owen gave me his first smile yesterday and is growing like he's supposed to... last week at the doctor's office he weighed 9 lbs 4 oz. The child is still eating every two hours and we're trying to stretch him to 3 hours because, well, I'm exhausted. He likes his two hour schedule, though, so it's proving to be quite difficult. Everyone says that at the 6 week mark something magical happens and things get easier. I'll believe it when I see it. It's amazing that it's been 5 weeks and I've been surviving on 3-4 hours of broken sleep every night.

He's adorable, though, and we love him so much.

Lucas started to sing to Owen and I grabbed the camera. Of course when I have the camera all spontaneity is gone, but it's still cute!

And that's about all my brain can conjure up right now.

Postpartum par-tay

2009-08-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

After our fabulous birth experience the high stayed with me for a long time. I felt like super woman! I felt like I could do anything! Visit people, go places, clean things, walk everywhere! The beach? Sure! Vacuum the whole house? Bring it on! And I knew, I KNEW, that I should have been taking it a bit easier, but I just felt so GOOD! The crash came at about day 10 and I spent most of the day crying. Then I spent the rest of the week avoiding all people and any phone calls. By day 12 I was huddled under a pile of blankets shaking and shivering with a 103 degree fever. Mastitis. While waiting for my prescription to be filled I sat in the pharmacy and sobbed from the pain and the exhaustion... It was not a great moment.

I'm feeling much better now. Still really exhausted, but I hear that comes along with having a newborn :)

We're trying to find our new rhythm now, trying to find a routine and schedule. *Yawn* So sleepy.

Playing doctor with his little brother.

Lucas kept whispering, "Look at Mommy's camera, Owen."

Owen now weighs over 8 lbs and is changing every day. I know that this newborn phase is going to be over before we know it, so I'm getting as many cuddles as I can.

The birth story

2009-07-31T16:08:00.000-07:00

40 weeks plus 3 days. I was pregnant and I was overdue, really trying not to be too miserable because GAH... FULL TERM! But it was hot. My bladder hurt. It was time.

My doctor gave me a disbelieving look when she walked into the exam room that morning. "Are we really going to have to put you on the induction list?" she asked. And oh how we did laugh. But she quickly found that I was 3 cm dilated and gave my membranes a really good sweep. "Now go and walk" she instructed. So I did. Almost right away I started to have regular contractions - 6 minutes apart - and I kept walking and walking. Colin had come home from work early so he stayed home and washed the car while Lucas napped and I walked and walked. Finally the contractions were starting to get a little more painful and closer together, so I called the hospital and told them what was going on. Because I was attempting a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section) I needed to be more closely monitored, so they told me to come in and they would check me out.

My mom came to stay with Lucas and we loaded up our hospital bag - we arrived at maternity triage around 4:00. I was prepared for the fact that I would be monitored closely, but I was not prepared to have to be on the monitor constantly. That was uncomfortable, along with the nurse having to push against my stomach with nearly every contraction because the monitor wasn't picking up the feed entirely. By 6:00 we were in our room and things were... uh, picking up in intensity, you could say. Colin put the fabulous 'Musica Intima' CD on that I had chosen weeks ago. A lovely choral group with a soothing and pure sound. But immediately I started to cry. "Turn it off!" I sobbed. Apparently labour, hormones and choral music don't work for me (I still was able to laugh about it at the time, through my tears). I regained my focus once the music was turned off, however, and things progressed quickly after that. I started puking (big surprise), which was fun. At 8:00 the doctor (unfortunately my doctor wasn't on call that night, but her partner was exceptional as well) came and broke my water. I was 4-5 cm dilated at this point, and the contractions weren't really giving me a break. I had double contractions the whole time, a stronger, longer contraction followed almost immediately by a shorter one. I asked for the morphine (which is paired with a healthy dose of anti nausea medication) around the same time the doctor broke my water and promptly spent the rest of the labour semi sleeping in between contractions, which came fast and furiously after that. At 10:00 I was 8 cm dilated and really really needing to push, but of course this is the time everyone starts telling you NOT to do exactly what your body wants to do. This stage was the most intense and seemed to last for hours, but in reality I was 10 cm and ready to start pushing by 10:30. Baby's heart rate dropped, necessitating the use of the vacuum for 2 contractions, but came up again and thankfully the doctor could stop using the vacuum. It left a pretty big bruise on his head, though, poor baby.

At 11:03 pm Owen Joshua was born, came right up onto my chest and stayed there.

I cannot even describe how it feels to have such a miraculous and perfect experience. I didn't have any tearing and came away relatively unscathed - today a week later I feel almost completely back to my old self. Breast feeding is established and going really well. Yesterday at the doctor's office, Owen weighed 6 lbs 15 oz., which is an awesome weight gain from his 6 lbs 8 oz birth weight (he weighed 6 lbs 3 oz at hospital discharge).

When we left the hospital with Owen I could not stop smiling. A group of suited men were walking through the hospital lobby and one of them said, "Wow, congratulations! You look so happy!" It's true. We are indeed so happy.

Everything has been amazing. All of the fears, the doubts, all of the sickness, the pain of the cerclage surgery, the worry, the stress... it's all culminated into a miraculous event. And all I can do is breathe my thankfulness every moment of the day.

Introducing...

2009-07-25T19:59:00.001-07:00

Owen Joshua
6 lbs 8 oz, 20 inches
July 23, 11:03 pm

We are so thrilled, everything went well... surpassing all expectations. I will of course write more when I have both hands free.

Dear Cervix,

2009-07-20T21:13:00.000-07:00

You've done a fine job thus far. Excellent in fact, despite the beating you've had. But you can stop now.

Leanne

I'm still pregnant...

2009-07-16T17:57:00.000-07:00

I was fully expecting to have a baby by now, but I most definitely am still pregnant. Contractions come and go and it seems that my body is preparing for the big event. We are SO ready for this to be over! Meanwhile I've been enjoying the freedom of doing whatever walking, vacuuming, and bending I want. Apparently my cervix isn't as incompetent as we thought. At my doctor's appointment yesterday I was only 1-2 cm dilated.

Meanwhile, we continue to enjoy the summer and the fun it brings...

Welcoming our new addition...

2009-07-11T15:19:00.000-07:00

A Mazda 5!!

We're very excited to have a bit more room to cram more stuff. And I'm mostly stoked about the safety features - I'm always paranoid about collisions, and the thought of having two little ones in a tiny Honda Civic was making me nervous.

Here are some lovely photos taken by my sis in law, Leah last week.

The stitch comes out on Monday, and the waiting for the next new addition begins!

Oh! I might actually have to labour!

2009-07-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

It hit me this week that this may actually happen, and AHHH! Am I prepared for this? I'm nearly 38 weeks now. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?!

It started to feel like something was missing in our house a couple of weeks ago - like there's a part of our family that's gone. The feeling of anticipation sits in the air and I waver between moments of disbelief and incredible longing. Pregnancy feels like a journey that will never end when you're in the middle of it, the constant stream of thoughts that consume my mind about baby and baby things, about my body and the changes that have been happening every day for all these long days. Life feels like it's on hold, and priorities shift until there's only one thing in sight. At night I can't sleep because of the discomfort and I lay there feeling the hiccups and the wiggles and I just want to grab those toes and the fingers, I just want to feel that body in the flesh. The thick night breathes restlessly and I, caught in the wonder of my son within, wrestle with the emotions that come before a life changing event. We've been waiting for so long now. We have overcome so many obstacles. And still we wait some more, and before we know it our life will be different again.

36 weeks

2009-06-23T11:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I've lost my motivation for blogging. It seems that all I really have to say lately is YAY I'M STILL PREGNANT over and over until everyone is sick of it. Quite honestly I never in a million years imagined getting to this point. And now I have, and now we may actually have a real birth experience instead of a traumatized emergent horror story. I'm still a little skeptical that this will end without some sort of emergency, which people who talk to me frequently can attest to. My insane inability to talk about anything else that is NOT pregnancy related is even starting to annoy me. And I admit that my refusal to let my mom go anywhere further than 20 minutes away (she's going to be watching Lucas) is a little paranoid. It probably doesn't help that every doctor's appointment is punctuated with people telling me that the MINUTE I start contracting, or if my water breaks, blah blah blah I have to IMMEDIATELY go to the emergency room to get the cerclage removed, do not pass go, do not collect $200... My doctor normally likes to remove a cerclage between 36 and 37 weeks (which, GAH, is right now) but she knows my feelings on avoiding the NICU if at all possible and has agreed to wait until 39 weeks if I remain stable. So far so good and the magic date is July 13.

This is a picture of me at nearly 35 weeks - I haven't had a more recent picture taken of me yet.

This is almost over. I'm looking forward to seeing how it will end.

Lucas' lamb

2009-05-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

So this is the third trimester

2009-05-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

32 weeks today. In the last month I've made it through a brutal 3 hour glucose test (blood sugars are good, thank goodness), excessive blood work because of an accidental exposure to fifth disease (everything came out just fine), another ultrasound (baby turned and is now head down!!), an all day prenatal class. AND...I'm still pregnant!! Not even one contraction in this body, and I'll find out in a couple of days just how long my cervix is. Soon we'll be deciding the actual date the cerclage will be removed, and the countdown is on.

I remember reaching the 32 week point with Lucas - that was the week that he started to put on a little bit of fat so his skin wasn't so red and he didn't look quite so alien like :
31 weeks

32 weeks

We've been organizing and hauling things away to the thrift store, buying new shelving units and trying to figure out where exactly everything is going to fit in this house. Well...I haven't been doing so much - Colin does mostly everything and I sit in a chair and try to do as much as I can. My body is falling apart from the inactivity and I find my muscles extremely sore and my energy depleted. Not to mention the three hundred times a day that I have to pee. BUT. I'm in the third trimester!

We sorted baby clothes today, putting tiny sleepers into a newly painted dresser. Lucas kept exclaiming, "Oh, Cute!" in between kisses and hugs to my belly.

This is getting exciting.

28 weeks

2009-05-01T16:15:00.000-07:00

It's surreal to know that I've made it past 28 weeks. The movements that I feel inside me now - I know exactly what they look like. I remember staring for hours through the isolette at the stretches and jerky twitches, I remember exactly what it looked like when Lucas arched his back and poked his foot out of the nest we made for him. I feel it happening inside me and am ecstatic that this little one is safely inside.

For safety sake, I am now on 'preventative bedrest,' which means that I shouldn't be up for more than 20-30 minutes at a time without resting in between. And as much as I want to take every precaution and am quite willing to adhere to these restrictions, it's still quite frustrating. It's impossible to get anything done, it's confusing for Lucas when I can't lift or push him on the swing, it exhausts me to make dinner. I want to be organizing and cleaning and getting the house ready for our addition, but I am so limited in what I can actually do. No lifting, vacuuming, scrubbing, exercising, stretching, nothing. I'm VERY thankful that I'm not on complete bed rest and am able to be at home, I'm so grateful that my cervix is still holding on and I'm not having contractions. But how are we going to get everything done?!? It's a little overwhelming.

Another preventative measure this week were the painful steroid shots injected into my hip. Just in case, these steroid shots give a boost to baby's lungs to help them develop more quickly. We debated briefly the merits of actually injecting these steroids into our little one, especially because I'm stable right now. We decided that it would be very hard to live with the thought of not doing everything in our power to give our baby the very best chance.
I had these shots done at our hospital and the nurse gave me a very nice one on one tour of the maternity ward and the NICU. It was great to see the ward, to chat with the nurses about my last experience, to receive tons of encouragement about this time around - everybody there kept saying, "It will be COMPLETELY different this time." All in all a fabulous experience.

Baby is still breech, so a c-section is still a very real possibility. I know it's early, but I'm trying to prepare myself just in case. More than anything I would love to try for a VBAC...so TURN BABY TURN!!

And in Lucas news - this week we went to the allergy clinic and had a follow up appointment for his egg allergy. They also tested him for cats, dogs, and seasonal allergens like dust, grass, pollen, etc. He was so brave as they poked his little arm over and over. His lip jutted further and further out with each poke and he started to whimper by the end, but his intense look of concentration was so adorable as they came at him with all those needles. The FABULOUS news is that he didn't react to a single thing...not even egg!! Amazing! So he had to have yet another poke to draw his blood (that one was much longer and more painful, poor thing), and then we'll go back in the fall to try an oral challenge. They'll feed him egg in small amounts over a couple of hours and watch carefully for any signs of reaction. Hopefully we'll be home free after that!

Here's a picture of him showing us his 'pokes.'

Lucas' three year old charm keeps growing, along with his independence. I have to admit that it makes me tired...the endless "No's" he shouts out, the constant battles to get his shoes on and out the door, the poops in the underwear (when he really really knows better). The constant, "What are you doing mommy?" "Where are you going?" "I do it by myself!" I don't think that I need to qualify that I love the child with all my heart...he's just reached an age and stage. And we're all figuring out how to teach and guide and learn.

He's pretty adorable, though!

26 plus four days...

2009-04-17T15:21:00.000-07:00

I'm 26 weeks plus 4 days today. The very same point I was when my water broke the first time.
Wheeeeee!! I'm still pregnant!

A couple of weeks ago I was unknowingly exposed to fifth disease so today I had a mild bout of freaking out. But I went to the doctor, they took my blood, reassured me that it's rare for fetal infection to occur...so now I'll just wait and see what happens. I'm choosing not to worry, and it's actually pretty easy. The farther this pregnancy progresses, the more excited I become. I'm excited! I'm pregnant! Wheeeeee! I feel so much kicking and rolling and tumbling and jumping these days. Far more than I ever felt with Lucas. I love every minute (even when I'm trying to sleep, which is OFTEN the case). YIPPEE! I'm pregnant!

And in even more exciting news...we found out that we are having a BOY! Another little boy running around the house...I'm trying to picture it. It's gonna be great.

Toilet Training Tales

2009-03-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

*Warning: This post is exclusively about potty training. If you are not the least bit interested in reading about peeing and pooping on a potty I would suggest you stop reading now.

The week before Lucas' birthday we made the switch to "underwear only" days. Before that we had been counting down the diapers and talking about how when the diapers were all gone, then it would be time for big boy underwear and only going pee on the potty, not in a diaper. Lucas knew exactly what we were talking about and one day he found a diaper tucked away somewhere in the house and ecstatically brought it back to the diaper basket. "Mommy! I found a diaper! We almost forgot this one!" He knew what was coming...

We switched to underwear without a glance back. The accidents have been fairly minimal and after 3 days he started to tell me when he had to go (which was very surprising!) Every single time he pees on the potty his eyes light up and he exclaims, "I went pee!!" It's been two weeks, and the last couple of days have been the hardest, actually. More accidents and refusal to go on the potty have been the norm as this is becoming final to him. The novelty has worn off and now it's a little more work. Today we came into the house and I was in the kitchen. All of a sudden Lucas exclaims (quite happily, I might add), "Mommy, I peed on the floor!" Needless to say I was a little frustrated and we had a talk about how messes on the floor are frustrating for mommy and make Lucas very messy. A few days ago when he had an accident at someone else's house he was very traumatized and sobbed uncontrollably. At that time I explained that it's okay to sometimes have accidents and next time we would just try to get to the potty in time. Each situation seems so different and I feel I have to walk such a delicate balance in order to communicate appropriately.

At the risk of getting really gross, pooping has been the biggest challenge. The kid can hold it in for days and days and then sit there and FILL the potty. It gets to the point where he lays on the floor complaining that his stomach hurts but he just doesn't want to go until the very last possible minute. Then it's a huge panic..."Mommy I have to poop NOW!!" and we're very often almost too late. Hopefully that part will get easier the more he gets used to it.

The other day we were in the dollar store looking at stickers. Lucas was standing on the other side of the rack - I could hear him singing and talking, but couldn't exactly see him. All of a sudden he comes waltzing around the corner with his pants and his underwear around his ankles, his tiny bits wobbling in plain view. It seems the tag on his new underwear was a bit itchy. "Mommy...it's too STICKY!" he exclaimed. An elderly lady walking by actually gave him the finger wag and a "tsk tsk" as she walked by. I just couldn't stop laughing.

Teaching the teddy to go pee on the potty.

Birthday Party Pictures

2009-03-20T17:28:00.000-07:00

Some of the action

Uncle Brent and Daddy in charge of food prep

Singing Happy Birthday - he knew exactly how to blow out the candles!

Opening presents

Decorating cookies - there were icing and sprinkles spread from one end of the house to the other end! Definitely the most favorite activity and worth all the mess.

Reading a story - "Mmmm, Cookies" by Robert Munsch

An indoor picnic

Playing with his new computer after the fun

Lucas loved his birthday party - I chose activities that I knew he would love - stickers on goody bags, play dough, decorating cookies, story time and of course they all had lots of play time. I think everyone left sticky, covered in chocolate cake, and clutching their precious gifts of stickers and smarties, which is (in my mind) exactly how a three year old birthday party should end!

Three

2009-03-13T14:53:00.000-07:00

Three years old today. The memories of his birth no longer stab me, the lessons that I've learned since then are rich and satisfying. The memories that have happened since his birth are the happiest that I've ever had.

Lucas, you are full of life and charisma. We love you so much and are blessed to celebrate another birthday with you. Your growing independence is something we are so thankful for (and at times is sometimes so frustrating!) You are learning so much more every day, new skills, new words, new lessons. You are bright and inquisitive, sensitive and funny. I love the person you are, who you have been, and who you are becoming.

Lining his animals up for supper...

Learning to pour some sauce...

The last night of being two...

Happy happy Birthday!

Stay tuned for tales of the birthday bash, potty training (including a naked bum in a store story), and ultrasound photos!!

2009-02-28T11:37:00.000-08:00

Last night we had a tour of the maternity triage wing of the new hospital and I won a *free* internal exam. It seems that baby Reimer likes to dance on my tender cervix, giving strange feelings of pressure and contraction-like pain. I'm happy to report that this cervix is still holding strong and is very lengthy. I will continue to think lengthy and strong thoughts and hopefully won't have many more trips to the hospital at 10:00 at night. I cannot tell you how RELIEVED I was when the doctor announced that I was not having this baby any time soon. And I don't even have to be on bed rest at this point, since everything still looks good. Somehow I have to keep differentiating between cervix kicks and cervix bulging.

When I dilated early with Lucas I didn't feel a single thing. Not one little twinge or pressure or contraction. When I was in college I had an extremely embarrassing moment where I didn't realize that "Aunt Flo" had arrived. Ahem. One of my friends joked that I wouldn't even realize when my water broke... It was funny at the time, but apparently I never forgot that comment. I keep thinking that I'm going to miss something.

I keep trying to take it one day at a time, trying not to get too stressed out about every twinge or pain that I get (and, really, it takes a lot of mental discipline). I know that we all love this baby so much already and look forward to meeting baby A LONG TIME FROM NOW!! However, I try not to have any expectations about how this will go - there's a certain distance that I have to keep in order to preserve my sanity. At the same time the deepest desire of my heart is to be pregnant for a very long time. My emotions are constantly conflicted.

18 weeks and going to work

19 weeks

When I finished with the doctor last night, I came around the corner to where Colin and Lucas were waiting. Lucas looked at me with those big eyes and softly said, "Are you feeling better, Mommy?" I almost cried. This is why we're doing this.

Hallelujah

2009-02-14T17:40:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted. (I seem to be starting a lot of posts with that sentence lately.) We've been doing really really well. I'm feeling somewhat normal again, and my nausea is actually subsiding. Lucas has been battling the flu the last couple of days, but I believe he's on the mend.

This video was shot a couple of weeks ago, and captures Lucas' absolute favorite activity - grabbing any random object to use as a guitar, and singing at the top of his lungs. He managed to rope Colin along in the sing along this particular time and the result was quite recordable! (This is the first time I've tried to upload a video on this ancient computer. Don't even ask how long it took - and if it's not working, someone let me know, since I don't even have the ability to view it myself...)

I hope everyone is having a Happy Valentine's Day!

Thankful

2009-01-29T14:43:00.000-08:00

I really need to be napping right now, but I wanted to quickly update that things are going well. The procedure was textbook, my pain adequately managed, my nausea kept at bay. It was the best hospital experience I've ever had. By the time I left that day, I was feeling great. Because of all the anti nausea drugs they gave me, I was feeling better than I had in months! The pain meds wore off by the afternoon, though, and I was dumped back into the land of reality with the realization that this procedure actually involved some pain. I guess I was thinking of all the other possible negative results that I didn't even think of the pain factor. And then it felt like my insides were being shoved through a paper shredder. Interesting concept. And my spine bruised quite badly from the spinal. Imagine that, if you will. So, if anyone is wondering...the reason you need to be on bed rest after a cerclage is because you are not capable of doing anything but lying down with bags of frozen corn placed on various parts of your body.
Every day has been better though, and today I actually walked to the mailbox (very very slowly). I'm more hopeful at this point than I've ever been.

Thank you, THANK YOU, for the meals and the prayers and the emails and the encouragement. I love you all.

Prayers

2009-01-23T17:01:00.000-08:00

Monday...cerclage day...looms around the corner and I have found myself a basket of emotions all week. I had a pre-op appointment, I had blood taken from me, I signed the forms and was told over and over again about the risks. I tried not to let the fear swallow me. In the months that followed my last hospital stay I had nightmares and flashbacks about all of the different moments leading up to Lucas' birth. Being in the hospital again this week brought back surprising emotions - when the nurse took my blood pressure I could feel my heart rate rising and by the time she got to measuring my pulse it was through the roof. "Are you nervous?" she asked me. I had to really focus to bring myself back to the present. Everything was very overwhelming in the moment - it's amazing how the smallest reminders of trauma can trigger very strong physical reactions.
At the same time I can physically feel the prayers of people who love us, who are remembering us - I am bolstered time and again by people with visions of a redemptive ending to this story, by people with encouraging prayers and words at times when I least expect it. I am caught off guard by how powerful a community of believers is... I don't know why I continue to be surprised by this.

Please...keep praying. Pray for steady hands for my doctor, for no infections, for the anesthetic to work, for physical strength, emotional strength and endurance. Pray for my steadfast husband, who continues to accept all of these things in stride and now must take over all household duties indefinitely - I have been on "light" duties for 3 weeks now. I give thanks for my mother in law who is coming from Manitoba to help out for the week that I will be on bedrest after the surgery. (My own mother left this morning for 2 weeks in Hawaii - a trip planned months ago.) Pray for Lucas, who is already confused with all the time that mommy needs to rest and I'm sure will struggle with the week that I am not able to do much of anything. Pray that I will be able to come off bed rest after the week is over.

I feel that my list is long, and I don't know whether or not it's my turn for another miracle. But we can pray, we WILL pray, and I will keep expecting great things...no matter the outcome.

Oh - another request (wow, am I demanding today or what?) - we would appreciate a few meals, if anyone has extra time and food to donate.

Unchanging

2009-01-09T16:22:00.000-08:00

This pregnancy I have constantly been bracing myself for the worst to happen. I don't ever want to be caught in the middle of a nightmare surprise again, and as a coping mechanism I keep expecting that something will go wrong. Hope is hanging by a thread and I keep struggling to hold on to optimism. Oddly enough, the peace still clings through the barrage of 'what ifs' and the long days of sickness. But it's all quite exhausting.
On Wednesday I was slathered with jelly and had a peek at our wee one. The tendrils of hope found deeper places to wind themselves as I stared at that little beating heart. 12 weeks.

January 26 is the date set for the cerclage, a procedure that has a good chance of allowing a successful pregnancy - but a procedure that I know involves some risk. I am nervous about it for many reasons, hopeful for it for many more. All these lessons that I have learned about trust are being tested right now, my journey through the refining fires thus far feel so inadequate. I have such limited energy, an ever changing supply of hormones and endless moments of lying in my bed just trying not to throw up.

My God does not change, regardless of how I am feeling or what my hormones are doing. When I come through this I know I will look back and see His work. I can already feel it in the swishing inside me (I know, already!), in the way that I do make it through each day, in small moments that speak to me and remind me that I am not in control.

Picture post

2009-01-01T16:44:00.000-08:00

This post is dedicated to those far away in Manitoba - we missed you this Christmas, and these pictures are especially for you! Love you!

Opening a present from Grandma Reimer in his special "present" chair...he voluntarily went to this chair for every present he opened!

Daddy and Lucas setting up the train set.

New Christmas pajamas from Grandma Rempel.

Playing in the snow that brought us as close as possible to Manitoba this Christmas - Colin loved every minute of it.

Setting up the new play kitchen - daddy's helper was extremely enthralled with the whole process and helped for hours. It took much longer this way - but both daddy and Lucas had tons of fun.

Taking a break to take a picture (like Mommy was) with his new camera.

The finished product provides hours of fun.

I wish you all a very happy new year!

Preparations

2008-12-15T22:13:00.001-08:00

We decorated the Christmas tree yesterday, and Lucas had such a good time. He was chatting the whole time about the ornaments - we have little miniature "Nutcracker" type figurine ornaments and he kept exclaiming, "Oh! Remember this?" when he would pull a new one out of the box. We laughed so hard - I have NO idea what he was remembering!

Most of the preparations in this house are not necessarily for Christmas this year, but we are thinking and planning and preparing for next year. We will hopefully have a new addition to our family next year, for I am pregnant.

Nine weeks (approximately) and counting. Due sometime in July.

I've seen the specialist a couple of times and am feeling optimistic. I am much more realistic this time than the starry eyed first pregnancy...I know waaaayy too much about what goes wrong and how often. Nothing would really surprise me at this point. But...I'm not frightened. I have such a peace about everything, strangely enough. I have a willingness to trust in miracles and at the same time a willingness to trust that I will be carried through whatever happens. I know that the prayers of the saints are with me (that would be all of you out there...right?)

Besides this peaceful inner emotion I've been experiencing, physically I have been feeling wretched. Most mornings it's a struggle to pick myself off the bathroom floor to get Lucas out of bed. Today was one of those days that I just tried to make it through the times between throwing up. All. day. long.

I keep reminding myself that it's only for a short time (please Lord, really short!) and trying to remember what it's like to think of food in a normal way, trying to remember waking up and not having to run to the bathroom. Hmmmm. That'll be nice. This nausea is really ruling my life right now, so if you see me looking green you'll now know why.

I will surely keep you all posted.

Tomorrow we dance

2008-12-13T22:59:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow during our church service a group of women are performing a contemporary dance as a part of the worship service. Amazingly enough, I am in this group of women...
I wanted to try something different, and dance has always been an art form that I am drawn to. This is the little explanation that I will give before we perform.

For the past few weeks, a group of women on different journeys have come together to worship in a unique manner. Faithfully we have met in order to learn, to grow, to encourage each other. We have come together to learn a dance. Most of us are beginners, eager to express ourselves in a different way. We are all drawn by this art of motion, of adoration, of graciousness. We feel that dance can speak in a different way than words can, and sometimes may even speak more powerfully.

The song we are dancing to today is entitled, “How Long Oh Lord?” and it fits into the theme of waiting during the advent season. All of us on stage have walked through times of darkness, of questions, of pain. For me, some of you know of our journey - waiting in the hospital with our son, not knowing if he would live or die, wondering if we had been forgotten by God. Others on stage have dealt with tremendous loss – one has lived through the death of a father, one has struggled through the loss of everything once held dear. For one woman, this dance is described as a “coming out.” For this is her chance – this is our chance - to stand here and publicly say that we will trust – we choose to trust. Even in the times of feeling lost and forgotten, we know that our feelings are not perfect. Looking back now, we know that our Lord has carried us every step of the way.

This dance is our sacrifice. This dance is our offering. We will trust in His unfailing love, and we will rejoice, for He is faithful.

A hodge podge of November memories

2008-12-09T22:38:00.000-08:00

The things I want to remember about November:

My parents took our family to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra as an early Christmas gift. It was a great show, and a great time with family. Mom's camera died after taking this picture:

Unfortunately this was the first and only picture taken of the entire evening. Oh well. We have the memories :)

We had some gorgeous November weather and these pictures are blog worthy, I think!

Ooh, isn't he so CUTE!!

The viral season is upon us and this is the first year that Lucas learned to actually milk it for all it's worth. He learned he could get away with things that he normally can't get away with, like watching TV with his blankie during the day or eating toast on the couch! Here's a pic with a teeny smile that escaped accidentally:

He was actually quite sick, though, and I did feel sorry for him. It's awful to see a child so sick. Blech.

After his cold was finished I boxed up his humidifier and left it out, thinking that it would most likely be needed again this season. Unfortunately, the boxed up package was altogether too easy for the thieves to steal when they broke into our house last month. Yep, some of you already know, we had our first b&e experience while we were in church one morning. They took little things, small change, Lucas' piggy bank(!), but the worst of it was losing our video camera along with 10 months of footage still inside. This contained Lucas singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" for the first time and our trip to Manitoba in the summer, among other things. Disappointing, but at the same time I wasn't really upset about the whole home invasion thing. We don't really have much worth stealing (one of my first thoughts was, "Well, they sure picked the wrong house!"), and what's gone are only possessions. There are far more valuable things in life. (I was kind of embarrassed that my underwear drawer was emptied and the police had to search through it for fingerprints. I mean, come on, can I just hide those bras lying there? Sheesh.) (Um...Is that silly?)

Well, I can't really think of a good segue for the next paragraph, so I'll just plunge right along. Our nephew Silas' birthday was a great memory from November. Silas received lots of musical instruments, which were a big hit. Lucas is at the age where he knows what birthday's are and gets excited for the party. He sings "Happy Birthday" for days afterwards when the feeling strikes!

We celebrated many birthday's in November, one of them being my Mom's 50th! We had a surprise party for her, which I kind of suspect wasn't that big of a surprise :) Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures of that event, but there's a lot on her facebook page, if you know her in that avenue. We love you lots, Mom, and are so grateful for your presence in our lives...

Colin sang in a performance of "Messiah" last week, and the rehearsals have been almost every day for two weeks. This week is the first week in a long while that he is able to relax a little bit, before the rest of December comes along!

Our next month is filled with more gatherings, more friends, more birthdays and hopefully lots of cheer :)

I'll keep you posted! (Um...I will! Really!) Thanks for reading my scattered thoughts...

At LAST!

2008-12-02T22:09:00.000-08:00

Ahem. (Tap, tap, tap). How do I break this silence? At this point it's gone on far too long, and I don't even know where to begin. I think it's safe to say that we had a busy November, and for my own memory's sake I'd like to record some of the stuff that happened, so I will. Not tonight, though. Tonight I am going to bed early in celebration of the last day of teaching at CBC. I am exhausted and looking forward to some time at home.

If you're still out there, though...stay tuned. There's more to come.

Halloween

2008-11-01T21:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we dressed our little monkey in fur, gave him a bag and taught him the phrase "Trick or Treat!" which he caught on to quite quickly once he learned there was candy involved.

For me, Hallows Eve was always an evening met with controversy and reluctance in the Mennonite church our family was a part of. Understandably, this tradition of reluctance has continued over the years in the evangelical community. Who wants to celebrate fear and the gruesome tales of the dark? Why not focus on the light? Set ourselves 'apart'?

As we trekked through our streets last night, greeting neighbours we seldom have a chance to visit with, exclaiming over other kids' costumes, watching the warmth and camaraderie of the neighbourhood as kids darted across lawns, I couldn't help but feel such a exciting and joyful spirit in our community. It's the one night of the year that this happens - a big block party, another rare chance to chat informally with people of all walks of life. If we turned out the lights and hid in our house, what statement would that be making?

Sure, the origins of Halloween are not as pure as we might like them to be. And there is some scary stuff out there, just as there's scary stuff in the world every other day. We're not afraid of that, though. Our belief in our Lord, in his grace, in his purity and goodness keeps us safe. For many, many people, this night is about spending time with family and friends, about having fun, about community.

After a time in our neighbourhood, we headed off to spend some time with our church community. Another excuse to party! Lucas had a great time on the ice, and I saw Colin whip out his skating moves for the FIRST TIME in our marriage. Strange, that I've never seen him skate before. Lucas was thrilled to feel his Daddy's strong arms behind him and the wind whipping in his face! We were all thrilled to spend time with friends, to overdose on sugar, to laugh and chat.

I didn't feel any darkness at all yesterday evening. I felt a hallowed sense of warmth, friendship, and community. That's something that I think is worth celebrating.

With or with ACHOO!

2008-10-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

This week Lucas and I had a mini photo session while we were playing with blocks:

It began with me trying to take his picture with the block tower he built (that's his 'coy, pretending not to hear me' face)...

...and then turned into a 'jump on mommy and press the camera button' session.

These pictures make me laugh, and today I need a reminder that two year olds are fun. They're two. Some days this "BY MYSELF!" stage is exhausting, especially when my patience is already wearing thin.

Another picture that makes me laugh - a collection of random objects brings such joy to a young boy's heart.

One evening this week Lucas was playing with his foam letters in the bath tub and he was naming things that the letters start with. "L for Lucas!" he exclaimed. "M for Mommy! D for Daddy! Then he grabbed the 'T' and said "T for Coffee!" I had to think about that one for a minute before I realized he was copying the phrase "Tea or Coffee?" he had heard at our Thankgiving gathering. *Grin* This was in the same evening that we were listening to a U2 CD (one of his favourites these days) - he was singing along, "With or with ACHOO..." He thinks "With or without you" is a SNEEZE!!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Thanksgiving

2008-10-10T15:53:00.000-07:00

As a first time mom, I am constantly amazed at the things children are capable of learning every day. And it all happens so fast. One minute you're living through 'the-first-six-weeks-of-no-sleep-no-schedule-hell' and the next thing you know, you're ripping open the package of Tigger underpants received last Christmas. You know, the ones in the stocking from Grandma, the ones I looked at and thought...well...that's never going happen, but it's a nice thought.

Today Lucas peed in the big potty all morning. We did not need any diapers today. I can hardly believe it - he asked for his underwear first thing this morning when I came into his room and then peed every time I put him on the potty. We went to play group, then to the mall, then drove home, and the whole time he was dry.

This is exciting stuff, people. (Okay, you there...with the fourth child potty trained by the time he came home from the hospital...stop smirking.)

I'm told that I was always the kid that wanted to get to the next stage as quickly as possible. I wanted to be a grown up so badly - I was married young, we bought a house, had a baby, started teaching...

Now, apparently, I'm a grown up. Sometimes I feel like I'm faking it, like I missed a few steps along the way. Why was I in so much of a hurry? Does anyone else out there actually believe that I'm a grown up? Now, I am a mom. A mom who is sentimental about all the milestones, a mom who is staring the last big baby milestone in the face. A mom that really doesn't feel ready for the next stage, who may never feel ready for the next stage. A mom who finally realizes that growing up quickly isn't the most important goal in life.

I feel like I missed out in cherishing the first milestones because we were worried that perhaps they were never going to come - but now we know that they are, and they will. And it makes me feel nostalgic. It makes me feel like a great lesson has been learned.

As I sit every night with my toddler-boy child, I read his books of choice gratefully. He insists on tucking his feet 'just so' into the crook of my leg, and positioning his bum exactly in the spot it fits on my lap. We read and we snuggle, we giggle and we snort. I smell his little boy smell, different than his little baby smell (and sometimes quite a bit worse...) We have "Daddy Squishy Hugs," a cherished part of the bedtime routine, a family hug that involves Daddy's big arms and a wee bit of eyeball popping.

In all of this, in all of the good, the frustrating, the loving, the learning, the living...in all of this, we are held. We are loved.

I am thankful.

Congested

2008-10-02T15:11:00.000-07:00

My immune system has let me down - I'm congested, tired, drippy, tired, and starting to move into the coughing phase. Blech.

However, before I go slip into the oblivion of napping I thought I would post a little update on Lucas and his health...since I haven't done so in a very long time. Last week we saw the eye doctor and the pediatrician, which was very interesting for Lucas. After we visited two doctors in one day his play was very serious, involving a light for the eyes, a stethoscope, and a lot of "Good. Okay. Hmmm mmm." Too cute!

His weight is holding steady at 27 lbs, which is at the 50th percentile mark for his ACTUAL age. Wow. His height is around the 90th percentile. I could never imagine what it would be like for him to be around the same size as his peers. I guess I always imagined that Lucas would be a little teeny guy all of his life.

There are still some concerns with his motor skills - both gross and fine. We're going to keep working on strengthening his core muscles, and somehow try to convince him that doing things like dressing himself is a positive advancement in normal society. Right now it seems like he'd be perfectly content to run around naked with a soggy diaper all of his life. There are far more interesting things to think about in his world than such mundane things as dressing and sitting on a toilet. I'm not too concerned, and even have the feeling that Dr. H is being overly cautious. However, I still have that nagging feeling that I must do the things the good smart doctor tells me...just in case. I don't want to miss anything. I'm not a professional. So we will visit infant development again to get the opinion of an occupational therapist.

One of the things that the doctor noticed was the birth mark right at the base of Lucas' spine that hasn't faded at all since his birth. The doctor explained that because the nervous system and the skin are formed at the same time in the womb, sometimes a birth mark can be indicative of another problem - especially when it's in an obvious spot on the skeletal system. Lucas' gross motor skill delays stacked on top of the questionable birth mark is a bit concerning - thus we will be scheduled for an MRI in the following months. Specifically the doctor is looking for a condition (which I promptly forgot the name of) in which the spine doesn't grow at the same rate as the body. Apparently this in an easily correctable condition if it's caught early. I hate the thought of sedation and a big gigantic magnetic field enveloping him...but again, it would be a shame to miss something.

Lucas is growing more delightful every day. As a self declared mommy blogger I give myself permission to tell you how wonderful we think he is, and how amazed we are at his life and growing personality. We started music class through Music for Young Children this fall, and he is absolutely in love with his own CD, his music book, his 'walk bear' and 'Buddy Croak.' He looks so grown up sitting on his own little mat and watching the teacher intently to get the claps in the right place. He also gives us a little glimpse of his budding sense of humour when he tries to make the other kids laugh by throwing himself on the floor and rolling around. He's already adopting phrases that are his daddy's trademark and it's too funny to hear a little voice exclaim, "Hokey Fritz!" I usually roll my eyes as Colin laughs hysterically. He's so coooool. *Grin*

Growing independence has led to the favourite phrase, "Do it MYSELF" and everything now takes twice or three times as long to do. It's so much fun, though, when he stands at the counter on a stool to help spread grated cheese on the casserole, or helps me unload the dishwasher one dish at a time. The things that Lucas is capable of learning in a day constantly amazes me.

I could continue to write because this is a favorite topic of mine. However, now it's time for me to rest and pray that the congestion goes away.

Sophisticated

2008-09-23T21:29:00.000-07:00

This evening I was playing with Lucas - we were playing one of our loud chasing games, rolling around, tickling and jumping...He jumped onto my back when I was laying on the floor and shouted, "MommY? Are you FARTING?"

Yep. We're pretty refined in this family. I laughed until tears streamed down my face.

Overwhelmed

2008-09-19T15:19:00.000-07:00

My silence in blogland is not because I do not love all of you, you know that...right? I've been missing this space, this outlet, this realm of connection with my friends in the computer. The truth is that I've been feeling rather overwhelmed these days. The number of students that I took on nearly doubled this year. I don't think I planned for that to happen, but I didn't stop it from happening either. So I will press on.

I was driving to work one bright sunny morning this week and I was completely absorbed with my little world. The lesson plans, the supper plans, the feelings of inadequacy, the anxiety that's been keeping me awake at night. My nephew, my friends that are hurting. My son in the backseat singing at the top of his lungs, still in his pajama top, sucky dangling from the corner of his mouth. There was an inexcusable 30-km-an-hour-below-the-speed-limit-slowest-driver-EVER in front of me, weaving in his lane, nearly plowing into the oncoming traffic at a few different points. Honestly. I could see him searching for something in his vehicle, putting everyone at risk because he wasn't courteous nor organized nor SAFE enough to pull over and look for what he wanted. And I was so angry, more than righteous, justified anger for public safety - I couldn't believe the rage I felt. I knew that it was just an avenue for venting, I know all that stuff about being in charge of my own reactions and emotions, blah, blah, blah. It was ridiculous. But I was deep inside that pit, my own angry little world pit.

Why is it so easy to wallow in negativity when I'm sleep deprived?

I merged onto the freeway, saw the gleaming mountain in front of me - illuminated like a big gigantic beacon of righteous light - and I groaned. I wasn't in the mood for an epiphany. I was wallowing.

Something about the way it was gleaming, though, reminded me of when I would make the drive to the hospital to visit Lucas. In the days when all that mattered was that little baby in an isolette and the One that got me through those days.

I cried. And slept better that night than I had in two weeks.

Soon we'll get used to this schedule again. I've been through enough overwhelming beginnings that I know that it will get easier.

A carefree evening at the park - yes they do still exist!

The Stanfields

2008-09-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

I have been following the blog of The Stanfields for a time now. I am always encouraged by what I read there. I cried for them when they lost their son, rejoiced with them as they have been anticipating the arrival of a little girl. With the latest news from their blog, I have been praying. I'm sure they would appreciate your prayers as well.

A nice glass of whine would be good right now

2008-09-05T17:02:00.001-07:00

Our three month old computer that I was so overwhelmingly happy about is gone, gone, gone, go-o-o-one...

And the diagnostic team from organizational heaven put all it's inner parts into a static free bag and wished us good luck. At least I had a coupon.

The ancient boat anchor that I thought was gone forever is now limping along as I try to get work done - this is all such great timing too, being as the first week of school is coming up in...oh...say...three days.

Why do electronics have such a powerful hold on our lives? WHY OH WHY?

I think I need some cheese. You know. To go with all the whining.

(Implied in the deep layers of this magnificent post is the fact that my posting and the reading of blogs takes longer and is more painful than swimming upstream in the arctic. Just so you know.)

Another sentimental moment

2008-08-19T14:43:00.000-07:00

We were at Cultus Lake one evening last week when I discovered the full extent of Lucas' developmental achievements of the summer. In June, Lucas had a physiotherapy appointment, just a routine follow up. The physiotherapist warned me that he would fly through the summer with leaps and bounds, literally. Summer is always great for the development of gross motor skills.

Last week, Lucas took off running at the first sight of the playground at Cultus, squealing with glee. He dashed up the ramp and bolted towards the swinging bridge. I watched as he navigated all sorts of obstacles, jumping, running, balancing, climbing, sliding. Later when the older kids descended for a game of tag, Lucas tried to keep up, calling the names he heard being shouted, copying the jumps and leaps. He was always far behind the stream of boisterous kids, in his little world, thinking he was fully a part of the game. I followed him, trying to keep him from being knocked over, trying to be invisible as he was discovering his independence, as he was learning to trust his skills. He was so excited.

At one point he had made it to the very end of the play structure, long after the rest of the kids had made the turn to run to the other end, yelling, "Run! Run!" Lucas stopped and turned around and caught my eye. "I running, Mommy!" he shouted, then turned and ran after the kids again. I watched him jump onto the swinging bridge and take off running, gaining more confidence with each step.

Yes, you are, my brave boy. You are running. Don't ever stop. Mommy will be behind you all the way.

The Many Faces...

2008-08-18T00:31:00.000-07:00

Summer Feasting

2008-08-08T15:23:00.000-07:00

I thought it was time for another update on my garden, seeing as the last time I posted pictures it was still in this state.

Our zucchini plants are trying to take over the world as we know it. I can hear them sometimes at night, plotting and murmuring in the gravelly whispers only a vegetable can pull off...

Our tomato plants, all five of them, all with multiple green fruits waiting to ripen. They're happy under their plastic cover, and the pipe from a certain plumber's van looks great sticking out of the garden, doesn't it? At least it's handy...

The garden in all of it's glory. So, um, we knew we were planting the rows a little closer than recommended, but...we weren't quite prepared for the explosion caused by excessive mushroom manure. It's a jungle in there, let me tell ya!

Supper. My mouth is watering again just looking at this picture.

I'm pretty sure Lucas thinks it's pretty wonderful too.

Fragile

2008-08-05T15:30:00.000-07:00

We had a beautiful weekend, sunny, warm, relaxing. We lounged on a beach, took naps, ate too much food, talked, laughed, left late last evening.

As I entered the land of communication again, I heard and read the news of a dear friend stricken with the random and vicious disease of bacterial meningitis. The words I was reading through email and hearing through voicemail floated around my head...Unconscious...Ventilator...Unknown damage to the brain...

Tony and his wife Marlene have played a significant role in our lives, and my mind and heart and prayers have been with them all day. The news today is positive - they are saying even miraculous...I pray that this will continue.

The question of why bad things happen to good people is quickly becoming irrelevant to me. I read the phrase again in one of the emails sent yesterday...it is a question that glares when something so random and scary happens - I understand and know that question intimately. But bad things happen to "bad" people, they happen to "good" people, they happen to everyone. Somehow, in our life, in our culture, we have the luxury of asking a question like that. The majority of the world does not. Somehow, in our life, in our culture, we have a system developed for deciding who is good, who is bad, who 'deserves' something bad to happen, who doesn't. It's all quite ridiculous the more it turns in my mind. I know that our God doesn't work like that. I know that the God I follow offers equal amounts of redemption to everyone, offers equal amounts of comfort...

And equal parts fragility. It's part of living.

So we will continue to embrace our life with joy. With boldness. With the knowledge of a profound grace. We will continue to heal, to love, to hurt, to mourn. And we will know that God is here, beyond our understanding, beyond our minute glimpses.

We know that God is here.

Road Trip to Manitoba!

2008-07-31T15:08:00.000-07:00

Bright eyed at 6:00 am

A little road trip picking of the nose

Grandma and Grandpa had a fabulous "mwimming pool"

Olivia, Lucas and Isabelle - cousins in a bath

Playing outside

Watering the plants with Grandma

Isabelle bossing the littler ones :)

Wiener Roast - Daddy, Lucas, "Auntie Elamie" (Melanie), Olivia

Playtime with Grandpa

On the carousel at Tinkertown

My heart almost stopped when this ride sailed high in the sky - Lucas was lovin' every minute!

Relaxing at dusk

On our way back to BC - Lucas traveled so well...we were constantly amazed at how happy he was and how busy he could keep himself. Of course, we listened to "Holy God" 3082 times, which helped.

At Buffalo Pound Provincial Park in Saskatchewan - while Colin and I set up camp, Lucas played and sang into the water spigot.

Our campsite - it was a surprisingly wonderful place to camp...I wasn't so sure what we would find in Saskatchewan, but this place had a pool, a playground, a gorgeous lake, trees...and it was only 15 minutes from the highway!

A rousing game of tag during a stop along the way.

All packed up for the last time in Banff. Yes, we fit all our camping supplies and enough things for a two year old for two weeks in a little Honda Civic. GO TEAM LEANNE AND COLIN! (Mostly due to Colin's amazing packing abilities.)

HOME AGAIN!

Now we've been home for a few days and we're getting ready for another camping weekend closer to home. Have I mentioned that I love the summer?

I blinked my eyes...

2008-07-11T14:55:00.000-07:00

Who is this little boy that is walking around our house? Riding motorcycles and driving tractors? What happened to the little baby that was lying around last summer? It feels like a lifetime has passed.

I know it's inevitable and parents talk about it all the time, but honestly...this is wild. It hits me at the strangest times...just listening to his chatter while I'm cooking supper, watching his blond head bobbing in the sun. I know that I'm at the start of the snowball, and it's just going to get faster from here...

Our Wedding Day in Photos - July 5, 2002

2008-07-08T15:19:00.000-07:00

What a thrilling day...

The wedding party cars

The walk (Colin sang "Oh My Love is Like a Red Red Rose")

My siblings all dressed up (and so young!)

There were a few moments of hilarity...

Look at that dress...ooh la la!

The head table

Awwww...

I still feel it (part 1)

2008-07-04T16:53:00.000-07:00

I saw him as I came around the corner, wearing his flames and sporting a shaved head. I was wearing my slouchy hoodie and carrying a load of books, thinking deeply about the next social event. The image I saw caught my eye - the way he lightly touched his friends elbow, the way he intently nodded at whatever the conversation held. I tucked the image in the back of my mind, that image...and others.
Time passed and the images began to pile into each other. Torn up running shoes and a red hat walking up the stairwell, a voice singing into the echoing ceiling. Intense eyes reading during chapel, large hands praying over friends. The laugh. Images turned into conversations, which turned into long conversations. Choir tours held pranks, early mornings, bus rides and more of the laugh.
Then came the motorcycle and the long rides. The combination of compassion, intensity, laughter and silliness drew me in. The way he looked into my eyes that night on top of the mountain and we began something new...

Happy Anniversary Monkey Boy. The past six years have been the best years of my life. I still feel it when you look into my eyes.

Sizzlin' hot summer days

2008-06-30T15:19:00.000-07:00

I love summer, love love LOVE it! I love the warmth in the air, I love walking barefoot. I love going outside to pick fresh lettuce and spinach for supper. I love the sprinkler and the hammock, the evening walks, the daily ritual of watering the flowers and the garden. I love the scent of suntan lotion on warm skin, I love sticky popsicle kisses and damp bathing suits drying in the sun.

"What's this?"

"Ooohhhh, water." (He really did love it!)

Eating the greens straight from the source. Our garden EXPLODED! Excessive mushroom manure is the secret...

Daddy got to shave his head for Fathers Day :)

So...I would love to know...what are your favorite things about summer?

Gigantic Ice Cream Cone

2008-06-26T14:28:00.000-07:00

We went to Ikea's "Midnight Madness" sale on Friday with Grandma (my Mom). Not only were we out until 10:30, but Grandma gave Lucas a gigantic ice cream cone at 9:30!! It was too fun...and well worth the next morning crankiness that ensued. It was Lucas' first ice cream cone experience, and he was thrilled, of course. He ate the top part and then said "All done!" I was about to say, "Yes, all done!" when Grandma showed him how to bite the cone saying, "It's a cookie!" So...he finished the whole thing. And was extremely hyper.

That's what Grandma's are for, right? Love you, Mom.

First Train Ride

2008-06-24T15:59:00.000-07:00

Lucas had his first train ride at the car show on Father's Day. He was so excited - I thought he may be scared because I wasn't with him, but he was a pro. He hopped right in and spent the entire ride waving at all the people looking in. This picture captures a bit of the cuteness...

Blog Giveaway!

2008-06-23T14:52:00.000-07:00

My sis in law, Leah is having a blog giveaway day! She made an absolutely lovely bag that is part of the stunning Bags for Zaza line. Go check it out! Spread the word!

Rediscovering

2008-06-19T15:28:00.000-07:00

I am practicing some piano again. I thought that I would never practice again, thought that part of my life was gone. "Someday," I answer when people ask. "Someday I may practice again." Inside I know, though, the six hour marathon practicing sessions are over. I had practicing lists long ago (it feels like a lifetime), and I found one the other day while cleaning out my filing cabinet. "1:00 pm - Bach, measures 10-17" it reads. "Practice for clarity of subject and memory. 2:00 pm - Beethoven, 2nd mvt, metronome and staccato work."

I nearly forget who that person was.

The first time I went to a Moms group at our church (when Lucas was in the hospital) the topic of study was creativity. That was the first reason I started crying that day. Depression had taken my desire for creativity and beauty away and I didn't have the energy to believe that I could have it back.

I love beautiful things, and I love playing the piano. I love giving life to the notes on a page, hearing and discovering the layers, feeling the emotions connected to the line of the music. It makes me shaky sometimes, the power of the song.

In this, our happy time, I am starting to practice again. A Chopin Nocturne, one of my favorites. It's different now, I have a toddler that would much rather listen to "Twinkle Twinkle" and my fingers are not what they once were. It's beautiful, though, and I am so grateful for the gift of music. It means more to me now than it did back then because the story of darkness and light told in every piece has weaved it's way through my heart.

He still loves his snuggles...

2008-06-09T23:17:00.000-07:00

...and I just may love them more.

Note the "drumsticks" he is clutching - the first thing he asked for when he woke up from his nap...

Due Date

2008-06-06T15:25:00.000-07:00

Today is the anniversary of my due date - tomorrow is the anniversary of Lucas' homecoming. That day was a gift.

Happy "second" 2nd Birthday, my love!

We had our 2 year check up yesterday, and Lucas still weighs only 25 lbs, but is over 3 ft tall! His development is right on par with all 2 year olds, though he's a bit behind in his gross motor skills. We're giving him lots of playground time, and he loves to try to keep up with the bigger kids, though he's veeeerrrry cautious. He's had quite a few nasty falls because of his balance, which is always heartbreaking - but he's learning new skills every day. I always forget to bring my camera to the playground, but one day I'll have playground pictures to post!

We are so proud of our brave little boy, he has come so far.

What we've been doing...

2008-06-04T14:35:00.000-07:00

Puzzles - learning the alphabet and the numbers 1-10 are exciting :)

Playing guitar, and being a little silly!

Sleeping (I haven't taken a sleeping picture in a looooong time - sleeping toddlers are wonderful!)

Praising - he will do this for hours, clapping, holding his hands up, playing his guitar, singing into pretend microphones. It's incredible for us to watch this, as we've always been classical/choral music lovers, and now we listen to Brian Doerksen's "Holy God" cd over and OVER! Anytime we go to the car, Lucas is asking right away, "Holy God? Holy God?" The other day Auntie Leah brought over some Queen to listen to and all of us (meaning Silas, Ikey, Auntie Leah and I) were rockin' out and dancing. Lucas came over to me and whispered, "Holy God? Please?"

Gardening - I've discovered a new love for gardening and helping things to grow. Colin worked long and hard to shovel a garden plot by hand - the soil was unusable because it was mostly rocks, so he dug deep and we filled it up with good soil. We had a little misunderstanding with a bit too much mushroom manure (which meant an extra day of digging), but the garden is IN and I'm so excited to check the status of the plants every morning!

We're trying a few different varieties of tomatoes this year - wish us luck! Apparently they're finicky things to grow, but I've been reading about them a lot, and yes, we're going to cover them soon.

Beautiful Mother's Day hanging basket (right outside the kitchen window - LOVE it!)

Fresh herbs - Yum, I can't wait! (My beautiful flowering green onions are being beaten by the rain right now...)

Needless to say, we've been spending a lot of time outside, and loving every minute. I hope you're all having an enjoyable spring!

Popsicle

2008-05-16T14:57:00.001-07:00

The cost of one little plastic popsicle maker thingy: $1.99
The cost of real fruit juice to pour into popsicle maker thingy: $2.39

The first popsicle of the summer: Priceless

"Cheeeeeese!"

Have a fabulous long weekend everyone!

A Day for Mothers

2008-05-14T00:32:00.000-07:00

I think it's possible that the months of March, April, and May will always be bittersweet for me. I remember things from these months that will always stay with me, things from that time - you know, THAT time, the hospital time. It continues to astonish me how the memories cling and remind me of darkness, of hope, of exhaustion, of fear, of the beginnings of a deeper love than I had thought possible.

Mother's Day, 2006. My first as a mother. Sitting in church and receiving that rose, the token gift that every woman receives in a church service on Mother's Day. Every woman receives a gift (and I'm pretty sure all churches do this) because someone realized that the day set aside for Mother's can carry a lot of pain for many.

Mother's Day, 2006

I clutched that rose like I was hanging on to a life raft, the prick of the thorns emphasizing the chant in my head - "I am a Mother, I am a Mother..." It didn't feel real. The nurses were really sweet that day - they made footprint and picture cards for the moms. I sat in the glider chair beside my boy's isolette and stared at that little footprint...hoping and wondering about future days.

Sunday was my third of this particular hallmark holiday - I received the obligatory (much treasured and incredibly cute) scribbly card, made with help from Daddy. I had a wonderful breakfast made by Daddy. And this year they handed out gerber daisy's in church. I display that in front of my kitchen window, thinking of the first time I received a flower that held pain, that first Mother's Day. I look at it and remember how that felt, and my heart breaks for Moms out there that are feeling that pain, the moms that didn't get a chance to receive a scribbly card, for the moms who cannot be with their children for the special occasions, let alone for every day life.

Though new and wondrous memories are forming with each new day, I will always remember.

Really, how many times and in how many different ways can I say how much in love I am?

Well, he's two.

2008-05-08T23:49:00.000-07:00

It's true what they say - that kids become more fun, that their developing personalities become more impish and adorable and stubborn and dramatic as time passes. And oh! the drama a two year old can create. And oh! the passion and conviction the emotions bring. And oh! the crying and screaming and arching and kicking. And oh! the amount of times I've counted to ten with my eyes closed. But really - what am I expecting? He's two. He's learning to be.

I've been reading (again) the Barbara Coloroso book, "Kids are worth it!" As unimpressive as such an obvious title might sound, the book holds many gems. It contains a lot of common sense in written form, the first point being respect your kids. It's the only way that they will respect you. When disciplining, maintain their dignity and maintain your dignity.

The longer that I am a parent, the more I am learning how different parenting styles are, and more importantly, how every kid reacts differently to said parenting styles. I'm also learning how important respect is in a parent/child relationship, and how much WORK this takes. It is all worth it. Every minute. So far, I've learned that Lucas is an intense, sensitive child that loves to explore and really hates to be interrupted. He knows what he wants and is not afraid to let me know too. Not that I like placing labels on my child, but learning these things about him encourages me to seek out discipline methods that will speak to his personality.

It's difficult. Sometimes I haven't a clue what to do.

Sometimes I stand there counting to ten, eyes closed, hands rubbing my temples. Sometimes I count to ten in a whisper, only to hear Lucas whispering along with me "One, two, free..." Sometimes I look down and he grins back up at me and chortles heartily before running away. Most of the time I can't resist laughing right along with him.

He's only two now. This is the only chance he gets - it's the only chance I get. May the impishness continue!

Where to start?

2008-05-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how badly I've neglected this poor blog. And now I hardly know where to begin. Do I even remember how to write? All of the blogging ideas that I've had over the months have flitted into the blue skies, into the landscape we've been working on, into the pots of soup I've cooked and sinks of dishes I've washed. The fact is, life is not very dramatic right now, a fact that I'm very grateful for, but doesn't make for the tear jerking writing that you all tell me you come here for. So...as I find my new footing in this rather calm life I'm living, can you live with the happy posts? Who knows how long it will last, but while it does, do you want to hear about how we're handling temper tantrums and potty training?
I'm pretty sure that I can come up with more interesting topics than that, but right now I'm just closing up "Hotel Colin and Leanne" (the littlest hotel in town) and relaxing after 10 days of (superfunintenselovely) visiting with Grandma and Grandpa from Manitoba. A quick visit with Jenivere and Jesse in the couple days that Grandma and Grandpa left town completed the hotel feeling.
We had fun. It was all fun, and great to see people we love dearly. I will leave you with a few pictures that I managed to take amongst all the activity.

Lucas and Silas on the *free!* swing set from freecycle. Did I mention it was free? Did I mention that I love free things?

One of the only pictures with Grandpa. Lucas would sit with Grandpa for a long time, reading books, looking at pictures on his camera, etc. But as soon as I would try to take a picture he would pull the 'slinky' routine and arch away as fast as possible. This look is the 'pre-slinky' look. What a monkey.

Lucas learned quickly that Grandma's suitcase had fun things for him...like cookies and books. Here's Grandma and Lucas reading and eating cookies.

Another 'run away' routine.

The new water and sand table at Silas' and Ikey's house held a whole new world of textures and fun. It was so nice to sit outside this afternoon and let the kids get all wet and sandy while Leah and I tanned our pasty legs.

There. I've plunged back into the blogging world, and hopefully will be able to start commenting more on your blogs too.

A plea for patience...

2008-04-15T23:21:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a week since I left that wimpy teaser of a post...and time has still not been on my side. So...this is for my loyal readers, who continue to check back to see if I'm still alive. I leave you with a few pictures and yet another plea to have patience with the blogger in me. I have posts brimming and swimming in my head, just waiting...brewing...

A couple of weeks ago Lucas and I were lucky enough to go visit Kyra's Nana's farm.
Both were a bit unimpressed with the rainy wagon ride - though the looks on their faces are pretty priceless.

The chicks were...well...a bit smelly, persistent and peckish. But cute. Lucas was awestruck and very excited.

Lucas loved loved LOVED the cow. He loved to stick his fingers in that poor cow's mouth and nose. Blech! He laughed and laughed until the cow nipped a bit too hard on his finger. Then Lucas stared that cow down, not saying a word, not crying...just staring. He still blew kisses and said "night night, bye bye cow" when we left. I guess that means all was forgiven.

Now I need to get to bed - it's my LAST DAY of work tomorrow (well, until September)! Bring on the summer!

Still here...

2008-04-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

A great event took place at our house this night.

A pee pee in the potty! YAY!

(All right. Now my blogging hiatus is over...stay tuned for more.)

"Happy Oheo, oh-o"

2008-03-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

Lucas has now been completely familiarized with the birthday rituals of our culture. He walks around singing "Happy oheo, oh-o" frequently, he identifies "bayoons" with pleasure and asks for "cake?" with a toothy smile. Mostly he just likes to lick the icing off the top.

Lucas and I are at the tail end of our antibiotics, his for a "bulging" ear infection and pneumonia, mine for a nasty case of strep throat. The last few weeks have been exhausting, the worst was worrying about a 103 degree fever and listless baby. We were so relieved when he wanted to play again. The day of his birthday was the first day he wanted to walk around, so we layered him in rain gear and showed him some of his presents:

Our preparations for the party motivated us to do some needed spring cleaning. Colin really likes the pink rubber gloves.

The kids had a great time playing outside, even though the rains decided to come after I begged them not to. There was a reason we wanted a June baby! (Grin).

After the fun and games outside, everyone piled into their collective high chairs and ate a toddler feast:

Gifts were opened and strewn about, a little wrestling with "Unca Bent" got everyone extra hyper, and then the guitar from "Unca Pa-ul and Unca Jon" came out for the sing along.

It was all completely fabulous.

A Letter, With Love

2008-03-13T14:46:00.000-07:00

Lucas, two years ago today they were telling me that your life was in danger and you had to leave the safety of your mommy far too soon. It was a terrifying day, but also a beautiful day, the first day that I got to touch your teeny hand. The day felt heavy with shadow, the uncertainty weighing like a thick fog. But beautiful teeny you - you were the promise and the hope peeking through that fog. You were the beginning of all kinds of lessons that needed learning. You were being held so tenderly by our Father, the same Father that was holding me.
Your daddy - he is far braver than I - he was so thrilled to finally meet you. He was so confidant in his love for you, so proud of his beautiful son. He was concerned with the bright lights and loud noises bothering you, he was sure to tell everyone to please quiet down and quick to shield your eyes from the world. Your daddy's love and desire to protect, to provide, is strong, Lucas.
I can hardly believe that the little boy you have become is the same fragile baby you were. I've been here every day, at first counting your every breath and watching the monitor. I've watched each milestone, rocked you countless times, sung many songs, read many books.

This past week as you were the sickest you have been since the hospital, I snuggled you close for many hours. Your head, your beautiful head, fit exactly in the same crook that it did when you were small. I wonder if it will always fit there, but I know that a day will come when you won't want to always put it there. I can't imagine that day.
You learned to walk this year. They said you would have trouble with that. You started to talk this year. I do a secret victory dance every time you say 'Sssucky' or 'jacket.' Way to kick those consonants in the butt! They also said you would have trouble with that. You try to imitate everything we say and everything we do, and you are so proud when you accomplish something new. The pleased smile you try to hide melts me every time.

Lucas, I watch you playing now and I try to memorize what it sounds like when you count to ten, what you look like when you are squatting and playing with your puzzles. I peek inside the door of your room and silently watch you stack your blocks, trying to say the letters. I love that you are learning new things, exploring your world, testing your boundaries.
Your love of music, of pianos and guitars and drums and singing is astonishing to see. We don't push you to do anything, you just love it from the bottom of your heart. Your precious 'dos' is becoming part of the family now.

On our journey's through the days, I see many mothers with their children, and I know that there are so many who feel the same that I do. I think of the infinite amount of shared kisses, hugs and snuggles that have happened since the beginning of time. It makes me smile to know that the kisses we share are the sweetest of them all. I feel so blessed to have the privilege of knowing that feeling.

The shadows and the fog have lifted to reveal a different world than we knew before we knew you. It is brighter than we could have imagined. Sometimes, when there is darkness, it pierces more deeply than before. Because of that we have had to walk a journey that forces us to trust more deeply. We continue to learn what surrender means.

You are two years old today, my love. We are awed (and deeply grateful) that we have been chosen to be your parents. You are our miracle, and we love you.

Happy Birthday,
Love, Mommy and Daddy

Chicken Soup for the...?

2008-03-08T13:52:00.000-08:00

It was not in my plan to be puked on today. My plan was to grocery shop for, and then make a delicious pot of chicken soup for my son's little tummy. My plan was to patiently coax down said chicken soup, chasing the dreaded flu bug away with love and tender care. Apparently the flu bug doesn't respond well to gentleness. That flu bug reared it's ugly head, let out a mighty ROARRRR and projected curdled chicken soup and bubblegum flavored medicine right down the front of my shirt. So much for the half a bowl of fluids I was rejoicing over.

* * *

My heart has been heavy this week, my brain whirling around with far too many thoughts to keep track of. It started with a long church meeting last Sunday that triggered a headache that lasted 3 days. Heavy thoughts and sad things are happening right now. A church family as close and small as ours can count on conflict happening at some point...and we're in the throes right now. I know that everyone is hoping that the soul searching and open conversations will lead to great things. Meanwhile, working through it isn't very much fun.

News from our dear friendYvonne also has our hearts and minds whirling, praying. Hoping.

Teaching, meetings, and regular household things add to brimming thoughts, making the headache a constant threat. Sleepless nights due to sick child are conspiring against me, making everything seem a little unmanageable (you know the feeling). We'll get through, we always do. In the meantime, any prayers for any of these situations are welcome.

Road of Memories

2008-02-28T23:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I feel awkward when pregnant women tell me what week they're in of pregnancy. If they make it past 28 weeks (which happens all the time - amazing, I know), well, they have a completely different situation than I've known. And it makes me feel a bit awkward. Despite the awkwardness, I have this burning desire to always know just how far along a pregnant woman is. Why? After two years, why do I still say silly things like, "You've made it so far!"? Why do I still remind women of all the things that can go wrong?
A trauma doesn't ever go away. The sting lessons a bit, life becomes hopeful again, dreams return. But there will always be reminders.
We are approaching the first weekend in March, approaching the day that our lives turned upside down two years ago. The Saturday that began as every other Saturday, with eggs and a lazy morning. We received news that our friend had a healthy baby. It was our niece's birthday. Colin left to practice some singing. I left to go shopping. I can still remember every detail of that day, of the week before that day. I've gone over the details so many times in my head, they are permanently ingrained. My heart beats faster when I remember what it felt like to realize that something was wrong.
Now, as we walk the road of memories to the day of Lucas' birth, I long for continued healing, and I know that it is happening. My quiet moments of meditation bring me to those memories, and I ask my God, "Where were you?" And I can now see Him, holding me, breathing life into us. Sustaining, protecting. It makes me weep.
We came in from the park today, Lucas and I, and he wrapped his little arms around my neck so tightly. He leaned back to look at me with a smile, then grabbed my face and covered mine with slobbery kisses. I could smell his fresh outdoorsy smell, and I hugged him back, breathing him in, letting go to let him bounce with almost 2 year old excitement.
I couldn't see these days coming and that makes me much more thankful for them.

My Sister in law is amazing...

2008-02-27T20:33:00.000-08:00

She is an artist, and I absolutely love my new look. What do you think?

The Informal Matriarch is open for business again. If you live close by and want a fantastic haircut...give her a call.

Egg Free Cookies

2008-02-26T23:27:00.000-08:00

This week is reading week at the college, which means I have a bit more free time, more time to procrastinate from cleaning out the filing cabinet, more time to avoid the various closets that need attention. Today I was inspired to try one of the many egg free cookie recipes available online.

Lucas loved "helping..."

...mostly by eating the raw buttery goodness that every child needs to experience eventually.

Yum.

*Be sure to check back tomorrow for another post - yes, there will actually be TWO posts in a row this week :)

Guitar Hero

2008-02-22T14:10:00.000-08:00

Lucas' Great Grandma found a ukelele for him at a thrift store, and we have had one happy kid around here. I tried to take a few pictures of him playing it, eyes closed, humming and singing and swaying. No matter how quietly I tried to sneak up on him, he always sensed me there and immediately wanted to look at the back of the camera. "Wanna see? See?" he'd say. So here's my attempt at capturing the moment.

Notice the bruise on his head - that's from dancing so hard at a wedding that he jumped himself right onto the tiled floor

Trying to hold him in place with my foot

Trying to hold him in place with my hand (He's thinking, "Are you kidding me?!")

"Here ya go. See? See?"

Dressed up in a tie to go to a wedding

The guitar has been affectionately named "Dos." It is tucked in at night with a blankie, a kiss freshly gobbed on it's strings. Sigh. So much for classical piano. I'm afraid we have a future rock star in our midst.

Toddler Words

2008-02-15T22:29:00.000-08:00

There were some really good toddler word guesses! Here are the answers:

1. Cheerios
2. Apple, and Yvonne was right - abbel can also be zipper, for some odd reason!
3. This is sometimes used for yucky, but most often used for his favourite thing - his sucky.
4. "Nut, nut, nut" was how he used to count things, or what he would say when he would see any numbers. The last couple of days, however, he's been saying actual numbers - today his favorites were three and six. Very cute.
5. Nobody got this one - cucumber
6. Blocks
7. Hug
8. Piano
9. Arms
10.Truck

And a few more pictures of a favourite activity - cuddling with stuffed animals:

A Little Update

2008-02-14T13:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I arrived home from work exhausted, fighting off this silly cold that has been making it's way around the college, trying to think of something for supper while quickly cleaning up the various blocks, books and underwear scattered about before my next piano students came. (Warning: apparently I am prone to creating run on sentences today. You've been warned.) This has been the life for 6 weeks. I know, I know, 6 weeks of schooling isn't a long time, but I am so SO ready for Colin to be finished. Tomorrow is D-day, the big Inter-Provincial exam. For six weeks he has been out of the house studying during every spare minute. I have so much respect for single parents now - it's a lot of work by yourself. But I am SO proud of how hard Colin has worked to do this for us. He was never a great student in his younger years, but he worked really hard to learn how to be a good student, how to accomplish his goals, how to learn everything he needed to. He just called to tell me that on his final in-class exam he scored 93%, the highest in the class. The hard work is paying off. I feel a bit frazzled and disorganized, but it's all worth it, right?
Before he left for his evening of studying yesterday, Colin covered my face with kisses and then Lucas followed suit. My face was a slobbery mess, but what could be better than that? I love and I am loved.
Lucas is 23 months now. He will be two next month on the 13th - hard to believe! He is getting even more independent now, talking a lot more, eating more. He understands what we say to him much of the time, and it's funny to see what he will choose to hear and what he will choose to ignore. He will always ignore me telling him it's time to go change his bum, but as soon as I leave the room to get a diaper he'll run and 'hide' from me. If I tell him it's time for a walk, he'll run to get his shoes saying, "Ou-side?" It's so much fun to start communicating!
Alongside all of the developmental milestones he's reaching, he's also reached the 'hitting, biting, screaming, throwing' stage now. This tantrum stage is a tough one - figuring out discipline is even tougher. I've read so many books, talked to many different moms, I read blogs and chat with an online preemie parenting group. I'm armed with all sorts of information, and now it's up to us to figure out how this will translate into OUR situation. I find the challenge overwhelming at times, but at the same time am so relieved that Lucas is well enough to throw tantrums, that he's hitting (pardon the pun!) this milestone with all of the others. I'm also finding it interesting (even fun!) to discover creative ways to distract, to teach, to learn more about our child and how to raise him.

And now for a fun game of "Guess That Word!" See how many words you can figure out - leave your guesses in the comments section and I'll post the answers tomorrow.

1. "O-eeos"
2. "Abbel"
3. "Gucky"
4. "Nut,nut,nut..."
5. "Bumber"
6. "bocks"
7. "Gug"
8. "E-ano"
9. "Ahhms"
10. "Ruck"

Love to all on this Valentines Day.