In which she is unreasonable and also a little bit opinionated.

I stood in front of my closet for a long time the other night, trying to find clothes I could wear to work the next day. I tried on every single thing in my closet, and then I tried everything on again just to be sure. Nothing fit. Not a single thing. The frustration grew and then the anger came. I began to lash out at my clothes, "What is WRONG with you?" I was muttering under my breath, "What kind of clothing comes in a size 0 anyway?" "Who wears this kind of crap?" It was late and obviously I was not reasonable. There may or may not have been some swearing. Nothing in me wanted to try the maternity clothes, but I did because I was desperate. Nope, too big. Then I got mad at the bedroom walls, "Who paints a room the color of baby poop?!" I yelled at my poor husband, the tears starting to come again.

"Do you want me to get the paint?" he says quietly, at 11:30 pm. Good man.

The real question is, What does one wear when they are going through a miscarriage? When your body has already shifted to prepare to house a human being? When I've eaten protein every 90 minutes for the last 6 weeks to try to keep the nausea at bay? There are so many things that you don't think of, so many reminders of what is not to be. Did you know that a body goes through everything that it does post labour? That it's probably not recommended to go to work and stand on your feet for 6 hours two days in a row?

I'm exhausted.

But I'm ok. I really am. This is me grieving. But I still have so much joy in a day, I'm still able to see this. Pain and sorrow stand beside beauty and joy easily in our world. That's just how it is. People ask me what I mean when I say "God did not do this." What I mean is that God is IN this. He does not DO this. He has created a big wide, full, beautiful world and put everything in place for it to succeed. When people ask, "Why doesn't God stop the evils and pain of this world?" it just reminds me of my two year old wondering why his world doesn't just revolve around him all the time. We aren't capable of seeing the whole picture, so as individuals we continue to function in our world, eating foods that are bad for us, using plastics that harm us, pretending that this doesn't affect our health. Perpetuating corporate pollution, destroying our environment, encouraging child labour, turning a blind eye to famine, going to war with one another. Seriously, what the hell are we doing?! WE are the evil and pain in this world. Bad things happen. It's just the way it is. We're all in this together.

Dude. That's depressing.

And yet we are continuously and generously offered redemption, and the chance to fix things. Again and again. This is a big world and we constantly look for instant gratification, an instant fix. I'm pretty sure that's not possible. We need to accept the responsibility that we've been given. We need to stop blaming our Creator and start looking around to see what we can do, one step at a time.

Wow, that was a rant, and I'm not even sure it made any sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've come a long way in how I view the pain that comes into my world. We all have pain, sorrow. As one big global community, this is what we share. But we also have so much beauty and joy available to us.



I wore my jeans to work. I figured I was excused from dress pants this week.