Grieving

I'm grieving.

We lost our expected little one.

I packed up the maternity clothes today, having barely brought them out. No March baby, no kicks starting in a few weeks. We don't have to move the boys into the same room, I won't plan a nursery. The whole thing was such a surprise, I had barely begun to register that this was actually happening. But the sorrow... it's strong enough to let me know, every minute, that this wasn't a dream.

It's a little surprising how this grief journey feels more comfortable this time. I'm not so shocked that it could happen to me. How arrogant I was! I shake my head at some of my old posts - I definitely don't ask the why question anymore, except perhaps, "Why NOT me?" We do not live in a world that is perfect, we do not live in the world that was intended. I can't blame God, because God did not do this. (I actually have a lot more thoughts about that... but I'm too tired right now.) This is at the core of my faith, and I finally understand. Now I know how to immerse myself into grief without guilt. Without blame. Now I can weep without despair.

It may sound too soon to have these conclusions, but trust me when I say that there are still a lot of tears. I still avoid the phone calls because I don't want to talk about it. The hurt is raw and life feels really difficult. I am so thankful for all the support and love we are shown every day, the food, the offers of babysitting. The friends I can call to tell me to stop moping about and get out of the house, the friends I can call to just cry. I love you all.

Life can change in an instant. I've been directed down the path of grief for a time and I know who is walking beside me. It really makes all the difference.